The Ugly Twins: Fear & Failure

Christmas is almost here and I am so excited. Gift giving/recieving is my numero uno love language. I love shopping and selecting gifts for those I love. You are not the exception! I have a Christmas gift for you too. Today's post was written by my lovely friend Stephanie for you. She's no stranger to Living As A Lily, here is the link to her Thanksgiving post from 2012 that'll give you a little history: click HERE. Go make yourself a cup of hot chocolate, with lots of marshmallows, and unwrap what Stephanie and Jesus have prepared for you!

The Ugly Twins: Fear & Failure, by Stephanie Landa

I am so honored Raquel invited me to write on her blog! When she first asked, I quickly responded, “YES!” Not having any idea what to write about, I took a leap of faith and trusted God would reveal exactly what He wanted me to share on this blog. After a couple of days, I knew exactly what to write about, and so here it goes…

“You can make many plans, but the LORD's purpose will prevail.” –Proverbs 19:21

Summer of 2013 was when I first found out I was going to start my career as a 1st grade teacher. I was filled with excitement but so much more with FEAR. Fear of the unknown! And so, I began my career where I almost immediately fell in love with those 1st graders. Not only were they amazing, but so was the administration and my coworkers. After a very short time (1 month and a half), I quit! Yup, I quit! (If you know me, you know I’m not a quitter)

I could only imagine what you are thinking. “This girl is crazy! What in the world happened?”

Well, within that short amount of time of teaching, I struggled so much with fear and anxiety. Endless nights of not sleeping because my mind would not shut up. I felt like I needed everything to be perfect and so rather than allowing myself to plan, do the best that I can, and “let it go” (yes, I totally quoted Frozen), I drove myself insane. (I seemed to have forecasted the rest of my life based off of one moment) I lost a great amount of weight, I disconnected myself from almost everyone, my faith in God was lost, etc. which led me all to a deep depression. My family, fiancé, and friends were all extremely concerned about me.

I remember the day that I quit. I felt like a complete failure. I felt like I lost my identity. Even now as I write this, my eyes fill up with tears because the way I felt that day and even months after, was THE hardest time of my life. Now please don’t judge me. I understand God has blessed me with SO MUCH, but at that time, I did NOT have the right perspective and was completely lost. I felt like my identity was in my career (I now know my identity is found in Christ and Christ alone; He defines me) and once I lost that, I felt a great amount of anguish.

Almost my entire life, I thought I was created to be a teacher. I had all these plans set for my life. You would think that I had already learned my lesson about FULLY trusting God and letting Him do as He pleases (you can read more about thise HERE).

Almost 6 months later, I figured it all out. I had all these plans, but God had His ultimate plan and I could not be happier. His purpose did prevail (as it always does) and I found my niche in life and that is to be a Middle School teacher. (I know, I’m crazy, but there is something so special about the middle school students) I won’t bore you with the details as to how I got to this point in my life, but its crazy how all along God had been molding me.

God is able to do “exceedingly, abundantly above and beyond all that we could ask or think.” I believe this and because I do I will trust Him, take Him at His word, keep on moving forward. I will fight fear by declaring the promises found in God's word over my life. I have learned a lot and I've shared all of this to strengthen you. I encourage you to make plans in your heart, and get moving, but give God room to direct your steps. Make plans, but keep them fluid. Don’t make them concrete! Allow God to flexibility with those plans, to move them around if needed, to line up those desires to His Word and will. A lot of us sit around waiting for direction from God, but He is waiting for you to draw near to Him. Do step out in faith! Filled with the Holy Spirit you can take gutsy risks on the desires of your heart. Get those feet moving as He leads you.

God is the keeper of your heart and will protect it. He will inspire, encourage, nurture, and breathe new life when needed. Dream big! Make plans! Get moving! He's got you!

    * Stephanie has also contributed: Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!

Create in Me a clean heart

Rend Collective is currently one of my favorite bands. I was very pleased to see that they wrote YouVersion reading plan. Below I am sharing a portion from Rend Collective's The Art Of Celebration plan that goes hand in hand with their recently released album by the same name. 

We love quick results don't we? We are constantly fine-tuning every aspect of our lives to eliminate that despicable enemy known as "waiting."

So when we first meet Jesus, hopes are high. This is the God who crafted everything, from elephants to supernovas, cilantro to Everest in just seven days: surely he's going to transform us in an instant... like Ramen noodles of righteousness.

He could, but he often chooses not to.

He turned Paul's life around while on the Damascus road, right? Sure, but that was just the beginning. The refining process was still going on in that jail cell in Acts.

He gave the shepherd kid, David, mastery over a giant. But years later, as a man he failed to master his lust problem, giving in to adultery and worse, a murderous cover-up.

It's in the middle of this mess that he wrote Psalm 51.

"Create in me a clean heart"

I'm sure he was desperate for an immediate transformation of character. But that isn't what he got. The Lord is patient. David's heart was renewed by traveling the painful, winding roads of confession, accountability and repentance, in the company of the Holy Spirit. The Lord didn't shortcut the work of cleansing David's heart.

We may be frustrated with patterns of sin that repeat in our lives, our niggling character flaws and lack of discipline. We may want "one-click" holiness. But Jesus doesn't wave a magic wand of saintly character over us.

Don't lose heart - he's not finished with us yet. He promises to finish what he started in us.

We can change. He will change us.

 (For those unfamiliar with YouVersion, it's a Bible app with helpful tools such as word search, bible reading plans, and devotionals.)

a few words on Guilt

Last night the topic of guilt came up in our bible study. Immediately my mind took me back to the days when guilt and shame were my shackles of choice. Guilt was a familiar feeling that I believed I had to live with.

You see, I carried the guilt of my friend's hopelessness with me that led her to suicide. I held myself responsible for my grandfather's death. I accused my lack of faith, wrong decisions and attitude for the straying away of a loved one. The shame of my past bound me. I understood that God had forgiven me, but I could not forget myself.

That is till a friend spoke words of truth into my life. In short she said, "Raquel, your grandfather died because that's the hour the Lord chose to take Him. Do you really think that you are greater than God? Or that you determine life and death? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! These words shook me and took me for a ride. Not only was my grandfather's death flashed before me, but every guilt and every shame that had crippled me.

I had a questions to deal with in light of the truth my friend had spoken:
Was I assuming to be greater than God by not forgiving myself? Would I continue believing the lie that I was responsible and accountable for what God had willed and permitted? That night began a process of God replacing truth for lies, a deep healing, and setting me free. His grace was so gentle and sweet.

For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. 1 John 3:20

Dear Friend, has guilt made your heart its home? Is your mind clouded with shameful memories? Is your faith crippled? Have you made yourself responsible for choices God has made or the choices others have taken? Are you holding yourself accountable for actions or events that the Lord has forgiven you for? Do you find it difficult to forgive your self and move forward?
God is greater than your sin.
God is greater than your shortcomings.
God is greater than your mistakes.
God is greater than your failures.
God is greater than you.
God is greater than your heart.
God is greater than your memories.
God is greater than your ability to forgive and forget.
God is Great.

Allow today for the grace of God to shatter the shackles of guilt and deliver you from the shame that condemns you. God is love, and it is His perfect love that will perfect you. It's a process, be patient with Him as He replaces lies with truth, heals you, and sets you free.

Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. 1 John 4:17-18

But love covers all sins. Proverbs 10:12

Birthday Surprise. It's Stephanie!

My favorite holiday is here and with it a very special post by one of my favorite people. For those who don't know Stephanie, she is vibrant, enthusiastic and encouraging. And to those who know her, we can all say we are better people because she is in our lives. May this special Thanksgiving post speak comfort and joy to your heart. 
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[photo credit]

To be completely honest, I wanted to decline Raquel’s offer when she first asked me to be a guest blogger. Why? I let fear paralyze me at that moment and I had no idea what to write about, BUT I heard a firm response from God, “Yes, you WILL write and you WILL share what you have learned!” I immediately knew exactly what He was talking about. So here it goes…

Back in February, I attended an amazing conference. Prior to this conference, I was ecstatic to volunteer and serve at the conference, but God gave me a clear “No!” I was crushed and confused because my heart’s desire is to serve others, but I knew that God wanted me to be still, sit back, and hear from Him. It would be me and Him, nothing else!

Throughout the conference God was moving in my heart. The night Hillsong United led worship, God revealed something to me. You see, God exposed  the ugliness of my heart to me and unfolded a deeper layer that I had no idea was lying inside of my heart. I knew then this was one of the reasons God wanted me to sit out, and not volunteer at the conference. I suddenly broke out in tears and felt my knees suddenly collapse.  I felt ashamed and embarrassed. God revealed to me that I was angry. Angry with Him! “What?!? How could this be? I’m so head over heels in love with Him! How could I have been angry and in love with Him all at the same time?

Rewind …

Way before attending this conference, I had been trying to pass one of the tests to become a teacher. It had taken me a little well over a year to pass it. While many eagerly waited to start the New Year, I was taking into the New Year a heavy burden of frustration. Throughout that time of test after test, I felt like I done everything humanly possible to pass. I bought books, hired tutors, listened to cds, attended workshops, and more. My next train of thought was, “My failing MUST be because I’m not spiritual enough?” (At this point, I had no idea where my head was at.) I then proceeded into trying to do all the “Christian stuff” so that I can hopefully gain God’s favor and mercy to pass the test. (Side note: This is so far from God’s truth…We do NOT have to gain His love, it’s unconditional nor do we have to work to receive His favor/mercy/grace) I fasted. I prayed. I went to church. I sought Biblical counsel. I read my Bible. I had done anything and everything. I knew for sure God was going to hook it up and open the door for me to pass. Yeah, NO! The next time I went to take it, I read in big fat letters, “Not pass!” “What? God, how could this be? You MUST be mad at me!”

Fast-forward to the conference …

“Angry? Why would I be angry with God?” It then dawned on me that I was angry because the thought of God forsaking me, and not giving me the desires of my own selfish heart, had been lingering inside of me. I had been feeling let down by God. I felt like my prayers were hitting the roof and not heaven. Why wouldn’t God turn to me and allow for me to pass the test? “C’mon God, You created everything in 6 days... Can’t you just make it happen and allow this miracle to take place?!” I would have never imagined, in my wildest dreams, that I would reach the point of being angry with my God.

After I left the conference, I confessed to my boyfriend all that I had been hidden in my heart. We prayed, and I instantly felt God’s love and healing hand over my heart and life. God’s faithfulness revealed to me yet once again. “CONFESS your sins to each other and pray for one another so that you may be HEALED.” James 5:16.

Thanksgiving is here! What am I thankful for? Well, I’m thankful for God’s strength. He gave me strength to push forward even when I thought I could not take one more step or one more test. I took that test 7 times! If it was not for Him, I would have easily given up probably after the 3^rd time of not passing it. I was stubborn (hence me having to take it 7 times) and God wanted me to gain radical faith in trusting Him with my life even when things don’t “fall in place.” I’m thankful that though this sin had been residing in my heart, God’s love did not change.

I learned many things during that season of my life. I can honestly say that though storms may come, and they will come, there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for. I encourage you to dig deep and pray even when it seems as if you can not mutter out a single word to God. Prayer not only changes things, but it changes YOU!

“BE THANKFUL IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES, 

for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” -1 Thessalonians 5:18

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. 

Tell God what you need and THANK HIM for all he has done.” –Philippians 4:6

“When everything seems like it’s falling apart, 

that’s when God is putting things back together just the way He wants it.” 

One last thing, though God did not answer my prayer on my timeline to pass the test, He did do something far more imaginable. He gave me the gift of faith! Faith to truly trust God with my life, with my future, even when all else fails.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sentence Tuesday

How beautiful it is to learn that grace isn't fragile, and that in the family of God we can fail and not be a failure. 

- Gloria Gaither