Lyrical Friday - We Should Run

[photo credit]

Happy Friday to YOU!
I am pretty sure that you have days, or maybe just moments, when you wish Jesus would come and take you away. No? OK, I guess its just me. Ha! We all have a longing for something bigger, somewhere farther, something more. We cannot find fullness of joy or satisfaction in this life. And though our bodies were created for this world, the real us (our soul) was created for Heaven. It is only natural to for us to not feel at home here on earth. I am not saying that we are to be miserable and downcast. There is a difference.

Today's lyrical post comes from Sarah Macintosh. Heaven is the sweet word that comes to mind when I listen to these words. Moments where I find myself remembering and missing a loved one that has passed away, I think of these words. When I am fed up with the affairs of this life, I think of these words. In every low and dark moment, it is these words in 'We Should Run' that lifts my spirit to a place of joy, peace, and hopeful expectancy. This song is a reminder of what we live for: Christ and to see Him lifted up. Because of Heaven we live to draw people to Him.

Oh the joy of knowing that we will one day 

run with Jesus, 

laugh with Jesus, 

dance with Jesus 

and be alive!

Blessed are you who hunger now, for you shall be filled.
Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.
Luke 6:25 

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4

There shall be no night there: They need no lamp nor light of the sun, for the Lord God gives them light. And they shall reign forever and ever. Revelation 22:5

We Should Run, Sarah Macintosh


I waited till the morning
Looking for every sure sign
Listening for footsteps
For when You will take me outta here
People keep on asking
When will we regain life
With the One who’s for us 
Rescue won’t You come

Cause we should run we should be laughing
We should look and see that He is lifted high
We should shout we should be dancing
We should call and find a Savior who’s alive

Someone says Your building
You pull and stretch this old life
Re-shaping what I’ve broken
Till I can see that You’ve been here
People started smiling
Lives are being made right
With the One who’s for us
Rescue You have come!

Now we will run we will be laughing
We will look and see that You are lifted high
Yes we will shout we will be dancing
We will call and find our Savior, You’re alive

Now our feet will run
Yes our eyes they see
And our hearts rejoice
How Your people sing
Hear Your people sing

a few words on Guilt

Last night the topic of guilt came up in our bible study. Immediately my mind took me back to the days when guilt and shame were my shackles of choice. Guilt was a familiar feeling that I believed I had to live with.

You see, I carried the guilt of my friend's hopelessness with me that led her to suicide. I held myself responsible for my grandfather's death. I accused my lack of faith, wrong decisions and attitude for the straying away of a loved one. The shame of my past bound me. I understood that God had forgiven me, but I could not forget myself.

That is till a friend spoke words of truth into my life. In short she said, "Raquel, your grandfather died because that's the hour the Lord chose to take Him. Do you really think that you are greater than God? Or that you determine life and death? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! These words shook me and took me for a ride. Not only was my grandfather's death flashed before me, but every guilt and every shame that had crippled me.

I had a questions to deal with in light of the truth my friend had spoken:
Was I assuming to be greater than God by not forgiving myself? Would I continue believing the lie that I was responsible and accountable for what God had willed and permitted? That night began a process of God replacing truth for lies, a deep healing, and setting me free. His grace was so gentle and sweet.

For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. 1 John 3:20

Dear Friend, has guilt made your heart its home? Is your mind clouded with shameful memories? Is your faith crippled? Have you made yourself responsible for choices God has made or the choices others have taken? Are you holding yourself accountable for actions or events that the Lord has forgiven you for? Do you find it difficult to forgive your self and move forward?
God is greater than your sin.
God is greater than your shortcomings.
God is greater than your mistakes.
God is greater than your failures.
God is greater than you.
God is greater than your heart.
God is greater than your memories.
God is greater than your ability to forgive and forget.
God is Great.

Allow today for the grace of God to shatter the shackles of guilt and deliver you from the shame that condemns you. God is love, and it is His perfect love that will perfect you. It's a process, be patient with Him as He replaces lies with truth, heals you, and sets you free.

Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. 1 John 4:17-18

But love covers all sins. Proverbs 10:12

Lyrical Friday - How Deep the Father's Love For Us

[photo credit] 

Happy Friday to YOU!
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thursday  I mean Valentine's Day. I did. Girls Night In became Girls Night Out. We went out for Pizza on a rainy and surprisingly chilly Miami night. I ate good food and laughed loud among the best company of friends. Indeed, it was a good night. It's a good thing to have friends.

So naturally, I would post a song about love, not just any love, the greatest love of all. Today's lyrics describe this perfect love so well. I know it's not a new song, but one that is known. And so I beg, don't just sing along but really sit back and consider each word.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. Ephesians 3:18


How Deep the Father's Love For Us, Stewart Townend


How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that left Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
(REPEAT)

Lyrical Friday - Beneath the Waters

[photo credit]

For those who follow godly paths will rest in peace when they die. Isaiah 57:2
-
“I create the fruit of the lips: Peace, peace to him who is far off and to him who is near,” says the Lord, “And I will heal him.” Isaiah 57:19-

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever. Psalm 23:6 
-
I cried out to you, O Lord. I begged the Lord for mercy, saying, “What will you gain if I die, if I sink into the grave? 

Can my dust praise you? 

Can it tell of your faithfulness?  

Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me. Help me, O Lord.” You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever! Psalm 30:8-12

-
My paternal grandmother passed away yesterday and I am confident in the Lord that she is in His presence. It got me thinking about the people I know that have passed away and into eternal glory or eternal damnation. One person made me uneasy. She was difficult to live with, hard to love, evil many times, blasphemous, a liar, a thief and she did much harm. Her heart harbored a lot of anger, bitterness, hate, filth and malice. Out of the abundance of her heart, her mouth indeed spoke and her actions followed. She did accept Jesus into her heart as her Lord and Savior, and for a moment in her life we witnessed repentance. Though she did change a bit, she remained bitter, perverse and proud. 
-
All this to say, that I sat on my bed and the goodness of the Lord of angered me. Her sins were so great yet because God is a just God who keeps His word, she is in Heaven now. Her sins erased. She has been raised and now in Christ she lives. How could He? (I'm being completely transparent here). In a way, it made me mad that she would, for all of eternity, enjoy the goodness of the Lord and that His mercy would now follow her all the days of her new life. She had committed so much evil and did not deserve eternity with Him. And then God spoke to me, "Her sins weigh as much as yours." 
-
Forgive me Lord. 
-
Oh wretched woman that I am.
As Christ was raised to life, she has been risen in Him.
And just like her, I was dead in my sin but I will rise.
She taught me the mercy of God.
-
Beneath The Waters, Hillsong 

-
This is my revelation
Christ Jesus crucified 
Salvation through redemption 
At the cross on which He died 
Now here my absolution 
Forgiveness for my sin
And I sink beneath the waters
That Christ was buried in 
2
I will rise
I will rise
As Christ 
Was raised to life
Now in Him 
Now in Him 
I live
2
I stand a new creation 
Baptized in blood and fire
No fear of condemnation 
By faith I'm justified 
q2
I rise as You were risen 
Declare Your rule and reign 
My life confess Your lordship
And glorify Your name 
Your word it stands eternal 
Your kingdom knows no end 
Your praise goes on forever
And on and on again 
q
No power can stand against You 
No curse assault Your throne
No one can steal Your glory 
For it is Yours alone 
I stand to sing Your praises 
I stand to testify 
For I was dead in my sin 

divine appointment

Earlier today, I received a text message from my cousin Cindy asking me to pray for her and she then continued to share a horrifying experience. About an hour after her text was sent we spoke on the phone and we prayed. A few hours ago, after the chaos, she was able to share details with me that  would become today's post. I asked her to write her experience and email it to me. May God speak to your heart through Cindy's story: 

April 10, 2011

Let me start by saying that God’s always good about putting me in situations to bluntly teach me things.

I woke up at 4 am this morning to study for an exam that would determine whether I would pass or fail my Stats 1 class. My scholarship riding on whether I passed or failed the class, I was motivated to review as much of the information I could before I took the dreaded exam.

After all the studying, I blanked out on the exam and turned it in incomplete. I left the class discouraged and drove off campus worried about where God was leading my life. I decided that I needed to spend some alone time with God and went to a park close to school.

Once at the park, I grabbed my bible, Ipod, and phone, and began to walk over to the swing set located in the middle of the park. The only person visible in the entire park was an  elderly man with a walker standing under a covered patio nearby with his car parked behind him. As I got closer, I became a little skeptical of the man. What would an elderly man be doing alone in a park, I thought.

Being the only girl in the park, I didn’t think it was wise to get too close to a man with no one else around, but he hadn’t moved in the minute I had been looking at him. I put on my headphones, and decided it would be best to pretend that I was casually jogging by. As I got closer, a brown rope became more visible, and what I thought was a walker was a step ladder! He was hanging! Fear sunk in. My immediate reaction was to run to a man in orange that had been smoothing out the red sand in the baseball field.

As I told the man in orange what I saw, and pointed in the direction of the hanging body, he quickly pulled out his phone and called 911. We began to hurry over in the direction of the  elderly man, and another park employee ran toward us as we neared the covered patio. The man in orange passed the phone to the park employee, and ran in the direction of his car. The officer on the phone screamed at the park employee, yelling to cut the elderly man down. I ran towards the elementary school with the park employee and motioned for the teacher to take her students inside. The man in orange returned with a machete and passed it to the park employee who cut the elderly man down as the man in orange caught him. They laid him on the ground, and within a few minutes we were surrounded by cops and paramedics who tried to bring the man back to life.

It was too late. He successfully took his life.

One of the cops motioned me over and proceeded to question what I had seen and why I had been at the park. Aware that God had me there for a reason, I shared with the officer and many others that questioned me later that I had gone to the park to read my bible, and became suspicious when I saw that the elderly man wasn’t moving. The officer then commented on how I seemed so calm, and how I was able to explain the deaths that I had already dealt with.

 The entire time I stood there waiting for homicide detectives to arrive, I couldn’t believe the situation that I had found myself in. I had heard of suicides many times before, but never did I imagine that I would witness a scene like that. In fact, at the very moment that I was worrying about keeping a scholarship this elderly man was contemplating and successfully committing suicide. Looking down at the elderly man that took his life, I began to compare the life of the unbeliever to the believer. One can’t go on for very long without a Savior that promises eternity, a future, and a hope. One could go many years chasing after dreams and bettering life on earth, but nothing else guarantees true joy the way that Jesus does. Trying to better this life and walking away from God is like walking into the hands of a murderer that is meticulously waiting to take your life.

In fact, Jesus says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10 

After inviting the man in orange and the park employee to church, I drove away from the park in awe that God would use me, an unworthy sinner, in a way like that. I knew that even the fact that I failed my exam today happened for a reason. If I didn’t, I would’ve never walked on to that park or been able to share the strength the Lord gave me.

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing 

with the glory that will be revealed in us.” – Romans 8:18

Please join me in praying for the old man’s family. Thank you.

Cynthia Almonte 

*If you are hopeless and/or contemplating a way out of life, please email me. 

Your life matters and you are valuable. 

Lyrical Friday - When Death Dies

Happy Friday to you and Merry Christmas! 

Today's post come from the talented and musically genius Gungor Band. This song tells the best part of the Christmas story. I pray it inspires you today to rejoice and be the bearer of glad tidings!

Christmas story time. 

Whether its playing on TV/ being read in a classroom/ played as a skit/ or shared to a church body, the Christmas story is being told. What sweet glory this time of year is, when even heathens declare the birth of our King. How tragic though to leave the story half way told. The birth of a King and the gifts He received wasn't the end of it all. He grew, He lived, He died and He rose from the dead victorious. And because He lives, those who believe in Him, live as well. 

Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed— in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. Then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: 

“Death is swallowed up in victory.” 

“O Death, where is your sting?

"O Hades, where is your victory?”

The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.

1 Corinthians 15:51-52, 55-58

-

I challenge you, tell the complete Christmas story to all the people around you. The end of the story is the best part, for the end of the Christmas story includes your name and mine, 

"...and  [your name here]  too has risen from the dead and will life forever and ever with Jesus."

When Death Dies, Gungor Band


Like the waters flooding the desert
Like the sunrise showing all things

Where it comes flowers grow
Lions sleep, gravestones roll
Where death dies all things live
Where it comes poor men feast
Kings fall down to their knees
When death dies all things live
All things live

Like a woman searching and finding love
Like an ocean buried and bursting forth

Where it comes flowers grow
Lions sleep, gravestones roll
Where death dies all things come alive
Where it comes water’s clean
Children fed
All believe
When death dies all things live
All things live

birthday surprise! It's Cindy.

Hi Friends!
I pray and hope that the birthday series has been a great blessing to you. This week I have been so encouraged by all the wonderful and wise words we have received. Today will be no different. Cindy is my younger cousin/ little sister/ friend / fellow youth leader / and at times, my daughter. The Lord has done a remarkable work in her life. With great joy, I share this post with you. God bless you.

Most of my life I lived in fear. Fear of people, fear of failure, fear of being alone- the list would go on and on. It got to the point that I would do what I feared in order to seem that nothing was wrong (I feared showing my emotions as well). All of these irrational fears that kept me from living my life were nothing compared to the rational fear that I had of losing someone that I loved. This rational fear became reality when my Mother passed away in Spring 2010, the end of my junior year in High School. 

Prior to my Mother passing away, I remember worrying about my grades, worrying about the score that I would get on my SATs, whether I would get into a good college… It all seemed so important at that time. I grew up believing that that was all that life was about: going to school, achieving a degree, getting a good job, and then starting a family. It took losing my mom to realize that there was more to life than just being successful. It took losing my mom to realize that I had a choice to have a bigger purpose in life- to follow God and the plans that He has for me. 

I gave my life completely to God three months after she passed away. I knew I couldn’t handle life and all the things going on at home on my own anymore. I realized that God would be by my side to help me get through it, as long as I put my trust in Him. Not everything has been peachy since then but God has not failed to give me support in any of the trials that I have gone through. God has been faithful to guide me along the path that He has set before me and helped me to build my trust in Him, even though it was very hard for me to trust anyone else. 

I’m sure that you can relate to me in some way. Is there any fear that you have had for a long time that you have not been able to deal with on your own? I want to tell you that you don’t have to. You have a God that is way bigger than you, a God that already knows where your life is leading, and He will be there for you as long as you give Him the chance to be.

-

“Cast your anxiety on Him for He cares for you.”

 1 Peter 5:7

-

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-7

Flames from James // The Black Hole

Hi Friends.
Once a Month I post a verse from the book of James. I was not even planning on doing a Flames from James post but after watching this short film, I could not help myself but share James 1:13-15:
Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.



Watching this made me pause and reflect on my own life. Is there a black hole in my life?

Lyrical Friday & A Great Legacy

Hi everyone.
I haven’t blogged for a week now. I don’t know where to begin; therefore I’ll just start anywhere. Last Saturday, April 17th, my Aunt Norma went to be with the Lord. This has been a tough week, emotionally drained and physically tired. Death is just one of those life experiences that I will never truly comprehend, does anyone?

My Aunt was genuinely sweet, loving, caring and generous person. She never complained to anyone about anything. She never spoke ill about another person. And above all, she loved Jesus with all her heart, with all her might and with all her soul. I am confident that she is rejoicing in the presence of the very God she loved so dearly. She left a great legacy.

God gave me a wonderful gift. He so graciously gave me a year to really get to know her, truly. In the beautiful process of rediscovering my new found relationship with her, I not only knew her as my Aunt but as a Friend. Each doctor’s appointment was more like a date, dates where we would spend lots of time talking about God, life and well just about anything. Each chemo session, though daunting, presented another opportunity to draw closer to one another. She taught me to never give up, for the battle and victory belong to the Lord.

Today’s Lyrical Friday song was God sent. As I was driving yesterday this song came up on the radio. I believe that God is not only my Healer but He was also Tia Norma’s Healer. Though her healing did not come in a physical, miraculous form, I do believe that God’s healing for her was her departure from Earth to Heaven. What better cure than the complete healing of no more treatments, no more medicine, no more hospitals, no more suffering, no more pain, no more tears and no more weight of sin. He held her every moment, He calmed her raging seas, He walked her through fire and healed all her disease.

Healer, Kari Jobe


You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus, You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4

And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. James 5:15

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Let all that you do be done with love. 1 Corinthians 16:14

And my soul shall be joyful in the LORD; it shall rejoice in His salvation. Psalm 35:9

This is my comfort in my affliction, for Your word has given me life. Psalm 119:50

Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalm 126:5

Raindrops Crying For Me

Poetry has always been an outlet for me, though most of the time, the only source of venting. I found that through poetry I didn’t have to play masquerade. Growing up I struggled with anxiety, control, neglect, loneliness and a deep feeling of unworthiness. Often times I found myself unable to cry just drained. It was in the secret chamber of a journal and a pen that found courage to share all that was within me. Many times I would write and toss away my poetry out of fear of being exposed for what I felt and who I was- a depressed and angry individual. Today I stand in awe of all that God has done for me. I have peace which surpasses all understanding and joy unending. And true that I struggle to maintain that peace and joy, but God is faithful to strengthen me with boldness and courage so that I can embrace His sweet liberty.

I have never really shared much of my early poetry, because I felt that in sharing those dark writings, that I in a way would have watered down what Christ has done for me. I have recently begun to accept, that while I don’t share who I was, the power of Christ which set me free cannot be seen. I pray that as you continue reading, you would be encouraged to share your story of redemption. I also pray, that if you are caught in the same prison that I was in at the time in my life when I wrote this that you would cry out to God. After reading these poems I will include a part of scripture that has helped me countless of times as I am found in the valley of the shadows of death. As I shared with someone today, may you find peace in His presence and joy in the promises of His Word.

Raindrops fall down my cheeks
Crying for my eyes
My distended heart has no more sorrow
No more breathing space for happiness
It has all been taken up in vain
Life lessons uncalled for
Too many to count
Cloudy smiles and sunny frowns
Never found but both so real
Hidden corners and windows shut
Impossible it seems
Lonely with my pain
Being only me
No shadow following
In ran away you see
Raindrops fall down my cheeks
Crying for my eyes.

Another one I wrote in continuation to Raindrops Crying For Me:

Far way from here
Imprisoned in my mind
Alone without a shadow
As a fool I want to die
Provoked into a cyclone of fury
Like cold rain my tears just fall
Imagining your voice
I yearn to bask on fire
I daze into my hatred
Oh soliltude
Set me free.

Isaiah 26:3-4, "You [God] will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock."

The Heartbroken Lily- part 4

Praise the LORD!

For it is good to sing praises to our God;

For it is pleasant, and praise is beautiful. 

The LORD builds up Jerusalem;

He gathers together the outcasts of Israel.

He heals the brokenhearted

And binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:1-3

I can not thank you enough. I think today's post will be the hardest one yet. It will be like digging into a grave that I buried my heart breaking memories. None the less, it is through those heartaches that I have come to know God as my healer, comforter, and God of wonders. I have come to know God the Father in a very intimate way through these hard times. I would be limiting God's amazing glory by sharing only the great joys in my life. I have a need to expose my hurts and pain because it is in those dark moments that God’s amazing glory did shine the brightest. The stories I will share will not coincide necessarily with the time frame of parts one - three of my testimony but is more of a beautifully broken medley of God's redeeming love.

I shared with you that though I had claimed to be a Christian I had not been living the life of a Christ follower. Sure, I shared Christ with people, but my actions washed out my words. There is power in the Holy Spirit, and at times, I felt a tug at my heart and I knew that it was the Spirit of God telling to share Christ with someone. At times I would, but at other moments the fear or rejection, of being mocked and of appearing too religious held me back from speaking. Afterwards, I would go through the world's worst guilt trip for not doing so. One Friday, I felt a heavy burden to speak to a friend of mine about Jesus, and about the hope found in Him. God’s message was very clear. It was as if God wanted me to speak only about hope. But, I was uneasy with sharing God's hope to her. It turned out that we would spend the entire day together. For a second time, the Lord told me to talk to her. I neglected to do so one more time. Again and again, throughout the day the Lord kept prompting me to speak to her. I spent a good 6 hours with her engaged in conversation and what not but I did not speak to her. Afterwards, I felt horrible because I knew what I had to do and didn’t do it. “Next time Lord,” is what I said to Him. She committed suicide that night.

I have made many terrible decisions, but to me, none can be worse than this one. Through many words of comfort, I was reminded that she made this decision on her own to take her life. But the doubt that if I had said something to her she could have possibly still be alive today. I have never been able to surrender this guilt fully. A part of me finds comfort in holding myself accountable for her death. I still drive by where she committed suicide and just cry till I can’t cry anymore. After her death, life for me changed forever. I promised the Lord to be obedient to His prompting and to speak boldly. However, this was not going to change the fact that she wasn’t here. I couldn’t sleep for a very long time. I would have dreams of her asking me why I never shared Jesus with her. What helped was God’s divine grace. He bandaged my wound with the help of my family and friends. A friend from church bought me a pillow to cry on, a journal to vent and a book* that helped me get back on track and be a courageous witness to the lost. The day of her funeral I had written a poem dedicated to her. I gave it to her grieving parents.

There is one more death that I have bottled up inside and probably the most difficult one to talk about. And if you are somewhat close to me, you know that if it wasn’t for God I wouldn’t be writing about this. This Sunday, December the 6th will be five years since my Grandfather went to be with the Lord. As if I didn’t cry enough about Susie’s suicide, writing about Abuelito is shredding me to pieces. His death is the deepest wound I have. Far deeper than the suicide, far deeper than walking away from my first love, far deeper than the most horrific experiences I had. Death is so final.

Abuelito to me was my earthly Prince. He would always remind me of how I was his favorite grandchild. He always commended me on being strong willed, and of a rough character. He would always smile at me when I would stand up for myself. He spoiled me with love. He let me get away with anything. He would let me light up his cigarettes as a child. And often times he would leave me a beer under the dinning table, knowing full well that Mami would get upset at Him. I loved rubbing his bald head and his belly. I loved his hands and his feet. He was the funniest man I knew and will ever know. But he was also, one of the godliest too. He knew the Bible, every story, every word. He taught me to love cheese, Häagen-Dazs ice cream and the New York Yankees. He was a hard working man. His death was very sudden. And even though I have all these wonferful memories to keep his memory alive in me, I still am mourning his death, I think I always will.

The night before He went to be with the Lord, my Grandmother had called me to ask if I could take Abuelito to his doctor’s appointment the next morning. She told me the time and I agreed to pick Him up since it was going to be my day off. The morning came and I was running late to go pick him up. That’s when I got the phone call from my Grandmother. She was panicking and I couldn’t understand what she was saying. All I could make out was, “Pedrito! Ay Pedrito! Corre!” in English it would be, “Pedrito! Oh my goodness, Pedrito! Hurry!” I ran to my Mother’s room, she was getting dressed. I yelled that something was wrong with Abuelito and we rushed over to their house. On the way we called an Ambulance to meet us there. When we arrived we found that a neighbor had already called 911. I watched the limb body of my Grandfather as He lay on the floor. The Paramedics were resuscitating him. My Grandmother was freaking out, Mami was hysterical and my baby cousin could not stop crying. I was motionless. I felt as if my life was being taken from me. All I could think was, “Raquel, why didn’t you pick Him up on time??? You could have had him at the clinic the time the heart attack happened.” Within minutes he released all his body fluids and I knew very well what that meant. But I wasn’t going to lose hope; the paramedics rushed Him to the Hospital.

At 11 am, that Monday morning they doctors signed him off as dead. At the least I know he didn’t suffer. I have never been able to forgive myself for this. Nor have been able to forgive myself for the pain I have caused my entire family with this great loss. I could have been there earlier, with time to spare but I wasn’t. It took me a very long time to return to my Grandmother’s house. Still today I go back there and I remember vividly Abuelito on the floor, lifeless. I am so overcome with guilt that I can’t even stand being around my own Grandmother, because I feel that I have failed her and caused her so much grief. Maybe I sink into guilt because it will offer me a temporary explanation for Abuelito’s death, when I can’t understand why He had to die. And even though, I may never be able to overcome Abuelito’s death, knowing that He is in Heaven enjoying the presence of the Lord gives me great joy. Without a doubt, I know He is with the Lord. And yes, this year he had God help the New York Yankees win the World Series, lol.

God has sustained me through both of these terrible experiences, along with other heartaches that maybe someday I will share with you. Though I have had a hard time forgiving myself, I bask in the forgiveness of God and find peace and security there. The Lord gave me two great verses that constantly console me, when guilt seems to creep in:

“Come now, and let us reason together,” Says the LORD, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, and they shall be as wool. Isaiah 1:18

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

December the 10th 2004, I have recorded in my journal verses that the Lord gave me to comfort me through the book of Isaiah** after Abuelito's death.

These heart aches, scars and memories that I have endured are what unite me to everyone else. We all hurt, we all cried and we all lose something or someone we love at one point or another. But we have a great God that can work out everything for our good. In the words of Ken Graves, “pain is our teacher.” I have known the pain of losing someone to eternal damnation, a pain that our Father must suffer too often. I have known the pain of momentary loss, like God submitted himself to when Jesus paid our debt in the pits of Hell. I have known rejection, humiliation, mockery like my Jesus has known when I share Christ and He is rejected. But I have also known the joy of seeing a friend come to Christ. I have known the joy of knowing that I will see Abuelito face to face. I have known the joy of walking with the Lord and I am not letting go.

I invite you to return to my blog tomorrow Friday, for the conclusion of this Lily story.

*Click here for the book

** Click here for verses in Isaiah that comforted me