The Ugly Twins: Fear & Failure

Christmas is almost here and I am so excited. Gift giving/recieving is my numero uno love language. I love shopping and selecting gifts for those I love. You are not the exception! I have a Christmas gift for you too. Today's post was written by my lovely friend Stephanie for you. She's no stranger to Living As A Lily, here is the link to her Thanksgiving post from 2012 that'll give you a little history: click HERE. Go make yourself a cup of hot chocolate, with lots of marshmallows, and unwrap what Stephanie and Jesus have prepared for you!

The Ugly Twins: Fear & Failure, by Stephanie Landa

I am so honored Raquel invited me to write on her blog! When she first asked, I quickly responded, “YES!” Not having any idea what to write about, I took a leap of faith and trusted God would reveal exactly what He wanted me to share on this blog. After a couple of days, I knew exactly what to write about, and so here it goes…

“You can make many plans, but the LORD's purpose will prevail.” –Proverbs 19:21

Summer of 2013 was when I first found out I was going to start my career as a 1st grade teacher. I was filled with excitement but so much more with FEAR. Fear of the unknown! And so, I began my career where I almost immediately fell in love with those 1st graders. Not only were they amazing, but so was the administration and my coworkers. After a very short time (1 month and a half), I quit! Yup, I quit! (If you know me, you know I’m not a quitter)

I could only imagine what you are thinking. “This girl is crazy! What in the world happened?”

Well, within that short amount of time of teaching, I struggled so much with fear and anxiety. Endless nights of not sleeping because my mind would not shut up. I felt like I needed everything to be perfect and so rather than allowing myself to plan, do the best that I can, and “let it go” (yes, I totally quoted Frozen), I drove myself insane. (I seemed to have forecasted the rest of my life based off of one moment) I lost a great amount of weight, I disconnected myself from almost everyone, my faith in God was lost, etc. which led me all to a deep depression. My family, fiancé, and friends were all extremely concerned about me.

I remember the day that I quit. I felt like a complete failure. I felt like I lost my identity. Even now as I write this, my eyes fill up with tears because the way I felt that day and even months after, was THE hardest time of my life. Now please don’t judge me. I understand God has blessed me with SO MUCH, but at that time, I did NOT have the right perspective and was completely lost. I felt like my identity was in my career (I now know my identity is found in Christ and Christ alone; He defines me) and once I lost that, I felt a great amount of anguish.

Almost my entire life, I thought I was created to be a teacher. I had all these plans set for my life. You would think that I had already learned my lesson about FULLY trusting God and letting Him do as He pleases (you can read more about thise HERE).

Almost 6 months later, I figured it all out. I had all these plans, but God had His ultimate plan and I could not be happier. His purpose did prevail (as it always does) and I found my niche in life and that is to be a Middle School teacher. (I know, I’m crazy, but there is something so special about the middle school students) I won’t bore you with the details as to how I got to this point in my life, but its crazy how all along God had been molding me.

God is able to do “exceedingly, abundantly above and beyond all that we could ask or think.” I believe this and because I do I will trust Him, take Him at His word, keep on moving forward. I will fight fear by declaring the promises found in God's word over my life. I have learned a lot and I've shared all of this to strengthen you. I encourage you to make plans in your heart, and get moving, but give God room to direct your steps. Make plans, but keep them fluid. Don’t make them concrete! Allow God to flexibility with those plans, to move them around if needed, to line up those desires to His Word and will. A lot of us sit around waiting for direction from God, but He is waiting for you to draw near to Him. Do step out in faith! Filled with the Holy Spirit you can take gutsy risks on the desires of your heart. Get those feet moving as He leads you.

God is the keeper of your heart and will protect it. He will inspire, encourage, nurture, and breathe new life when needed. Dream big! Make plans! Get moving! He's got you!

    * Stephanie has also contributed: Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!

Birthday Surprise! It's Denise.

Happy Wednesday and Thanksgiving Eve! Today's post is from my cousin Denise. She is no newbie here, you can read her 2012 Birthday Surprise HERE. Praying that the promises of God that Denise shares, may be engraved in your heart and and ever present help in time of need. God bless YOU! 

photo credit

You are not alone 

Have you ever been in a crowd of people and felt completely isolated? It's that feeling where you are physically present but no one notices.  I have been hearing this topic from a several people lately. They tell me how they feel lonely, like they don't have any friends, like no one cares but they are constantly surrounded by people. My normal response is, "I know exactly how you feel." 

I spent most of my life feeling this way.  I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression as a teenager.  I became a Christian once I was in college and Jesus changed my life forever. Most of my fear went away but even as a Christian, there are still those moments where the devil tries to take hold.

I go into these random moments of depression where I feel lost, like I'm in a deep pit and I'm sinking and I can't ever get out again. I have traveled across the country, to the other side of the world even, but nothing is as sad, scary and dark as this place.  

As a Christian, I recognize that there is no reason to stay there. I have a mighty God who loves me unconditionally and will never leave me. Sometimes I wonder why God allows me to go back there again and now I know that it's because, when I get out of it, I love Him even more and cling to Him desperately. 

I was reading Isaiah 60:20 the other night and this verse really encouraged me.  "Your sun will never set; your moon will not go down. For the Lord will be your everlasting light. Your days of mourning will come to an end."

There are times when I feel like I don't even want to be on this earth. Before Christ, these thoughts were filled with despair, they were suicidal because I didn't understand what the point of my existence was. Now when I have these thoughts it's more of a longing and a hope that one day I will be in my real home with Jesus. 

"For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come." Hebrews 13:14 

So now as I wait for that glorious moment when Jesus rescues me from this cruel world, I have to make the best of it and live my life by honoring and worshiping him.  I don't feel so lost in the crowd anymore, because I know that my satisfaction does not come from humans, it comes from the Lord. 

Though I might still feel lonely at times deep down I know that I have someone who loves me unconditionally and is always by my side. 

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." Micah 7:7 

"Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you." Psalms 9:10

So if you are feeling lonely or like you don't belong, instead of turning to people to fill that void, turn to Jesus, the only one who can satisfy you.   

"Because I am righteous, I will see you. When I awake, I will see you face to face and be satisfied. Psalms 17:15 

Lyrical Friday - I Will Exalt

[photo credit]

Happy Friday amigos. 

I'm actually writing this post Thursday night because early this morning my Mother, Bruny, will be having eye surgery. Please keep her in prayer as well as the medical staff (specially Dr. Abbey) of Bascom Palmer Eye Institute. I am confident that the good work God began in her, He will complete. He who created her will bring order to the chaos. He holds her in His hands and I will not fear. I will praise Him for His faithfulness to my Mother, to my family and me. 

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Today's lyrical Friday song is 'I Will Exalt' by Hillsong. This Wednesday the worship team sang this one and for the first time, in a long time, I broke down in tears. Since this fiery trial with my Mother, the peace of God (which surpasses ALL understanding) has guarded my heart and mind. His peace has sustained me. And as I sang the first verse, I exalted Him, I praised Him, worshiped Him for being my God. And then the chorus began... my hiding place. That was all I needed for the tears to burst through my tightly sealed eyes. All these days He has been my peace. But at night, when silence and stillness invite thoughts of doubt, fear and anxiety, He has been my hiding place. As His children, we can enter His presence with our doubts, questions, fears, anxiety, brokenness, mourning, loneliness, depression and failure... and hide (from everything and everyone) in Him. There He comforts us, holds us and reassures us that He himself will fight for us. If you need a hiding place, find a safe refuge in the Lord. Start by meditating on the lyrics and making them your song of praise. Prayer will lead you to His glorious hiding place. 

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For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory. Psalm 32:7

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You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in Your word. Psalm 119:114

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But as for me, I will sing about your power. Each morning I will sing with joy about your unfailing love. For you have been my refuge, a place of safety when I am in distress. Psalm 59:6

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The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. He is my refuge, my savior, the one who saves me from violence. I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and he saved me from my enemies. 2 Samuel 22:2-4

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Those who live in the shelter of the Most High 
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 
This I declare about the Lord: 
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; 
He is my God, and I trust him. 
For He will rescue you from every trap 
and protect you from deadly disease. 
He will cover you with His feathers. 
He will shelter you with His wings. 
His faithful promises are your armor and protection. 
Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, 
nor the arrow that flies in the day. 
Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, 
nor the disaster that strikes at midday. 
Psalm 91:1-6 
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For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. Colossians 3:3

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I Will Exalt, Brooke Fraser  

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I will exalt You

I will exalt YouI will exalt YouYou are my God-Chorus:My hiding place My safe refugeMy treasure Lord You areMy friend and King Anointed OneMost Holy.-Because You’re with meBecause You’re with meBecause You’re with meI will not fear

The LORD is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Psalm 9:9

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. Psalm 46:1

Lyrical Friday - Next Time

For more from Maceij Dakowicz click here

This was not like any Friday...
The Environmental students were given an all day passes to skip other classes in order to spend that school day working outside. I spent all day with my fourth period class pulling weeds, planting, trimming, watering, moving many things around, among other garden work. Being teenagers we didn't just work hard outside, we killed time too. We talked, we laughed, we enjoyed each others company and at the end of the day we all said good-bye and went our merry way.

The weekend faithfully rolled in and with it much excitement. Saturday morning arrived with Prom preparations: hair, nails, makeup, dress, drive, arrive and party on. Sunday was more of a day of rest. And so the weekend had come and gone.

Monday Morning is a day I will never forget, along with the days leading up to it. We were greeted at school with the tragic news that three students had passed away during the weekend: two Senior boys right after Prom in a freak car accident and one teenage girl committed suicide. Horrible way to start the week. I didn't ask to many questions as too the who's and what, I just minded my own business. That is, until my first period class when someone asked me how I was coping with Susy's death.

It was as if they were talking about another Susy.
This couldn't be real. Susy. Susy!? But I had spent all Friday with her. We were talking, laughing and having a good time... suicide? All sorts of thoughts kept crossing my mind, nothing making sense. Still the fact remained, Susy had committed suicide Friday evening after school.

Susy was dead and I was left alive with questions, doubts, fears, guilt, regret and many days ahead of no sleep. She had spent all day with me, and I was too consumed with myself to see her need. I had spent all week and all day with her yet was too self-conscious to speak up and share with her what God had been prompting me to tell her. I spent all day with her and I was too self absorbed to offer her the only solution to her problems: Jesus.

It wasn't too long after that I vowed before the Lord that I would never be ashamed of the Gospel or hide it from anyone. With blood on my hands, tears in my eyes and after many years still heartbroken, I owe it to God (who has restored me) and Susy to speak up for the sake of the cross. Jesus died for you, for me, for that coworker of yours that seems fine, for the student that sits next to you in class, for the guy who you cross paths with on random days, He died for all... you may never have a next time to share Christ with those around you. I beg you, do not be to afraid to intrude with the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Next Time, The Arrows Band


I never get tired of believing You
I never get tired of trying to breakthrough
I just get tired of myself sometimes
Cus' you know that it's so easy to be human
It's so easy to make excuses
But the simple truth is I was too scared of intruding

These are peoples lives you're playing with He said
Every time you get a little bit scared
You let another one slip through the net He said
They need Me more than you need to be comfortable
I said stop listening to your head

Oh and Listen to Me
Your mind doesn't understand the things that I see
Next time next time next time listen to Me
Because my voice should be louder than your reasoning, your reasoning
Those human things

Cus' if I don't go when you say go
If I don't speak when you say so
We might find that we run out of pace to see the world around us changed
If I don't move when you say move
Cus' I don't trust what you told me to do
It might never come around again
Heeeeey, next time I'll do it your way

You never know where the Spirit has been whispering at night
You never know where the angels have been putting up a fight
We cannot see with our own eyes
Everything is organised
We can only view when it’s our turn to go
Switch on the lights!


But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? And how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? And how can they hear about him unless someone tells them? Romans 10:14

Lyrical Friday - Control

Today's Lyrical Friday post comes from JJ Heller, one of my favorites! Control has ministered to me in a way that I didn't even see coming. I don't struggle with cutting myself, never have but I know girls and guys who do. If that is you dear friend, know that God loves you and He cares for you. Hold on to the hope that is found in Christ! 
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No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 
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He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
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Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things, 
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. Psalm 103:2-5
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If the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed. John 8:36 
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I would be typing in vain, if I didn't lead you to the one who can free you, that's Jesus. He WILL forgive you, heal you, redeem you, crown you, satisfy you and renew you! He is a mighty comforter and yes, He will bind up your wounds. No need to be ashamed, for we all have scars (even Jesus has scars), different scars but scars none the less. You can have control in Christ, you can do all things through Him who strengthens you.  
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You may never know the depth of anyone's pain, till you listen to them. At times, it will be a silent cry for help or the drip of agony that is poured from a vein... People are hurting and God has placed us in their lives for such a time as this: to be pillars of light, salt to the earth, a holy priesthood, messengers of hope and valiant shepherds. Let's shepherd the flock to Jesus! May we never be to caught up in the affairs of this life or be too distracted doing ministry that we end up overlooking the needs of others.
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Control, JJ Heller 

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The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
It doesn’t hurt enough to make me forget
One moment of relief is never long enough
To keep the voices in my head from stealing my peace
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Oh, control
It’s time, time to let you go
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Perfection has a price, but I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win
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Chorus
I’m letting go of the illusion
I’m letting go of the confusion
I can’t carry it another step
I close my eyes and take a breath
I’m letting go …
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There were scars before my scars
Love written on the hands that hung the stars
Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me

birthday surprise! It's Denise.

Hi dear friends.

Today you will be reading from my cousin Denise. I have seen with my very eyes the transforming work of God through her life. You know that verse that says, "you have taken me from the miry clay and set my feet upon a rock?" Well... Denise is a display of that verse in Psalm 41. God saved her from a dark world and brought her into the marvelous light. It's amazing to witness God doing miracles today! Here is her post:

Trials and Adoration

Life is difficult on our own and my story is proof. I wasted many years of my life in isolation, imprisoning myself, stuck in a bubble that wouldn’t break. Until someone came and burst it for me. A savior, a king, Jesus.

I was always the quiet girl. I went through high school with no friends. I always thought that this was part of my personality until later when I realized it was something much more than just painful shyness. I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety. Life got better though. I met Jesus and He told me that I would not have to worry anymore. I started making friends and I gained confidence but most of all, hope. The years went by and there were days where I would doubt and I would start drifting away from God. But He never ceased to remind me of His wonders and how awesome He is. This past year has been a very long year for me. My mother passed away after eight years of battling with cancer and my father left to Afghanistan to work, leaving me and my younger siblings behind. That doesn’t even begin to describe all the trials I have been through just this past year. But one thing I do know, I have a God who loves me and He is more powerful than anything I could ever go through.

While my mother was in the hospital, I felt my world flipping upside down very quickly. The verse the Lord gave me was, 1 Peter 5:7, “Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.” This verse kept coming up over and over and I had this overwhelming feeling that God would get me through this. When my mom died, I felt like I needed God more than ever now, and I just wanted to cling to Him for dear life. How could I do this or anything for that matter without Him?
It’s during times like these, that a lot of people feel the closest to God. We get so caught up in life that God needs to slow us down so we can hear Him. In Hosea 2:18, it says, “But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her to the desert and speak tenderly to her there.”

I love God so much and I am humbled to know that the creator of the universe loves me and cares about me. We think our problems are huge and overwhelming but compared to how huge God is, even our greatest problems are minuscule.

“Then King David went in and sat before the Lord; and he said: “Who am I, O Lord God? And what is my house, that you have brought me this far? And yet this was a small thing in your sight, O Lord God.....” 2 Samuel 7:18-19a

We may go through periods where we are in the desert but then there are periods where we think we have it all under control. We get caught up with day to day life and we may even stop thinking about God completely. We are doing well at work or at school and we make sure everyone knows what a great job we did. We forget about the One who got us there in the first place. This is called pride and it’s a very ugly thing. We begin to worship ourselves and our possessions and we put other things before God. But what a lot of us forget is that there is another kind of pride. This is the pride that I was caught up in, and often, still am. It’s the kind of pride that turns up when we are not doing well. When we start having a pity party with ourselves and start asking questions like, “Why me?” and, “No one cares about me” and “Why does it always have to be me?” The common factor here in both types of pride is, Me. It’s always about “Me” and not “He”. He is the one who should receive the glory. He is the one who is going to pull us out of this.

“Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name goes all the glory for your unfailing love and faithfulness.” Psalm 115:1

What I have learned through all of this,is to not to do things my way, but to do them His way. I need to trust in Him and He will be able to handle everything for me. We need to praise Him when we are up and praise Him when we are down.

My prayer for you is that the Lord would pour His spirit upon you and that you would see Him for who He is. He is more than we could ever ask for. He sent His only Son to die for us on the cross so that we might live. God bless you and may you seek Him so that He can be the filler of that empty space in your heart that you have been searching for.

“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” John 10:10

Raindrops Crying For Me

Poetry has always been an outlet for me, though most of the time, the only source of venting. I found that through poetry I didn’t have to play masquerade. Growing up I struggled with anxiety, control, neglect, loneliness and a deep feeling of unworthiness. Often times I found myself unable to cry just drained. It was in the secret chamber of a journal and a pen that found courage to share all that was within me. Many times I would write and toss away my poetry out of fear of being exposed for what I felt and who I was- a depressed and angry individual. Today I stand in awe of all that God has done for me. I have peace which surpasses all understanding and joy unending. And true that I struggle to maintain that peace and joy, but God is faithful to strengthen me with boldness and courage so that I can embrace His sweet liberty.

I have never really shared much of my early poetry, because I felt that in sharing those dark writings, that I in a way would have watered down what Christ has done for me. I have recently begun to accept, that while I don’t share who I was, the power of Christ which set me free cannot be seen. I pray that as you continue reading, you would be encouraged to share your story of redemption. I also pray, that if you are caught in the same prison that I was in at the time in my life when I wrote this that you would cry out to God. After reading these poems I will include a part of scripture that has helped me countless of times as I am found in the valley of the shadows of death. As I shared with someone today, may you find peace in His presence and joy in the promises of His Word.

Raindrops fall down my cheeks
Crying for my eyes
My distended heart has no more sorrow
No more breathing space for happiness
It has all been taken up in vain
Life lessons uncalled for
Too many to count
Cloudy smiles and sunny frowns
Never found but both so real
Hidden corners and windows shut
Impossible it seems
Lonely with my pain
Being only me
No shadow following
In ran away you see
Raindrops fall down my cheeks
Crying for my eyes.

Another one I wrote in continuation to Raindrops Crying For Me:

Far way from here
Imprisoned in my mind
Alone without a shadow
As a fool I want to die
Provoked into a cyclone of fury
Like cold rain my tears just fall
Imagining your voice
I yearn to bask on fire
I daze into my hatred
Oh soliltude
Set me free.

Isaiah 26:3-4, "You [God] will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock."