Birthday Surprise! It's Nicole. part 2

Happy Wednesday! Welcome back to the Birthday Series to read part 2 of Nicki's journey.  Get your passport ready, pack your bag, and bon voyage ... you're off to Gulu, Uganda!

photo credit 

I've never told the bathtub story.

There was a tub. That’s all it was though—an empty beige bathtub with a handheld faucet. My first instinct was, “Damn, I’m going to make a disastrous mess every time I bathe.” I pictured a flood of murky water seeping down the hall into my room. (Which actually happened one morning, but it wasn't my fault, I swear!) Ministry in Uganda is a dirty business; dusty feet, orange-tainted clothes, wash my long hair two or three times just for it to feel clean and the water not be brown, kind of dirty.

Then, there was this one day. This overwhelming, slap-in-the-face, type of day. The kind of day where I prayed on the boda boda (motorcycle taxi) all the way home that I would have enough connection to call my mom and listen to her wisdom. With the time difference I had to wait for her to wake up, of course! It was one of those days where trusting in this great big God of mine, the Creator and Savior of the universe, was harder than getting on that same boda boda with a skirt (NOT easy, people).

It was on this day, in Gulu, Uganda. From one moment to the next, I found myself fully clothed and in fetal position, crying my eyes out for almost three hours… inside of this tub. For that brief time, my world sort of froze. I felt as though it hadn't completely shattered, but it was slightly tilted a little too far over for my comfort, and all I found myself doing was trying to find some sort of balance for my heart, to where it wouldn't topple over and break completely.

I had effectively lost my grip. Had I forgotten what to expect? Had I let my emotions run too deep? Maybe, just maybe I expected too much from someone who was unstable to begin with? How could anyone just leave them? Literally just abandon them in front of my face.

Obviously, God knew the answers to all of the million questions racing through my head.

Here’s the thing— I often wonder how my thoughts towards this world, our duties, this life— how it all would really be to me if I hadn't met Patience and Andrew. While in Uganda, I got a small glimpse into the life of being a mom. I experienced first-hand dealing with the struggles of my kids on a daily basis. I dealt with the personalities accompanied by the attitudes. I saw joy and innocence as well as the hurt and suffering that no child should ever have to experience. It was in the midst of caring for these two precious lives though, that God truly stretched me farther than I ever thought imaginable.

I dealt with their birth mother. She was younger than I with a total of six children. The twins were the youngest of them all at two years old. She was sick. They were starving, literally. And I was found in the mix because God purposefully had me there in Gulu Babies Home on this very same day. She left them there. In that moment, she chose addiction as she walked away from me with her skinny toddlers crying in my arms.

In this moment, curled up in that bathtub, for the first time ever, I actually doubted “purpose”. Has that ever happened to you? Maybe you've never found yourself sitting alone in a tub, but has God ever thrown a curve-ball to you so fast that—forget not even seeing it come—you were just left questioning “is this even real?”

Wisdom from my mom helped only for the moment. The solace provided by roommates, the same.

“God, did I really just experience this? Were these kids that I just grew to love just left behind by their own mother?”

It was in that bathtub that I realized I was trying to remind God of the things He promised to us—telling Him that He was doing it all wrong. Funny right? I didn't think so.

Firmly holding onto God’s promises in the midst of hardship can be a powerful experience. Did I fully trust God at His Word? Definitely not in that moment. I will humbly admit that I had a moment of relapse, but God graciously allowed me to stumble over myself, feel the hurt and vulnerability that He knew I needed, and give me the strength to pick myself back up and make a difference.

He knew.

He allowed the circumstances around me to take place. He didn't feel bad for me, but instead He entrusted me with the blessing of being a part of the beautiful rescue mission that was about to take place in the lives of my twins. Clearly, in my own life as well.

Please be encouraged today in knowing that God’s promises are true. We are loved by a God who is forgiveness, mercy, grace, faithfulness, strength and love. It’s a reminder I need EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And with that truth stored away in my heart, the only purpose for a bathtub from now on is solely to relax! 

Patience, Nicki, and Andrew, first time ever walking in 2 years.
Uganda 2013

a few words on Guilt

Last night the topic of guilt came up in our bible study. Immediately my mind took me back to the days when guilt and shame were my shackles of choice. Guilt was a familiar feeling that I believed I had to live with.

You see, I carried the guilt of my friend's hopelessness with me that led her to suicide. I held myself responsible for my grandfather's death. I accused my lack of faith, wrong decisions and attitude for the straying away of a loved one. The shame of my past bound me. I understood that God had forgiven me, but I could not forget myself.

That is till a friend spoke words of truth into my life. In short she said, "Raquel, your grandfather died because that's the hour the Lord chose to take Him. Do you really think that you are greater than God? Or that you determine life and death? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! These words shook me and took me for a ride. Not only was my grandfather's death flashed before me, but every guilt and every shame that had crippled me.

I had a questions to deal with in light of the truth my friend had spoken:
Was I assuming to be greater than God by not forgiving myself? Would I continue believing the lie that I was responsible and accountable for what God had willed and permitted? That night began a process of God replacing truth for lies, a deep healing, and setting me free. His grace was so gentle and sweet.

For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. 1 John 3:20

Dear Friend, has guilt made your heart its home? Is your mind clouded with shameful memories? Is your faith crippled? Have you made yourself responsible for choices God has made or the choices others have taken? Are you holding yourself accountable for actions or events that the Lord has forgiven you for? Do you find it difficult to forgive your self and move forward?
God is greater than your sin.
God is greater than your shortcomings.
God is greater than your mistakes.
God is greater than your failures.
God is greater than you.
God is greater than your heart.
God is greater than your memories.
God is greater than your ability to forgive and forget.
God is Great.

Allow today for the grace of God to shatter the shackles of guilt and deliver you from the shame that condemns you. God is love, and it is His perfect love that will perfect you. It's a process, be patient with Him as He replaces lies with truth, heals you, and sets you free.

Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. 1 John 4:17-18

But love covers all sins. Proverbs 10:12

Birthday Surprise. It's Denise!

Hello there. Today's guest blogger is none other than my cousin Denise. She's no stranger to the Birthday Surprise tradition, and you can read her post "Trials and Adoration" here. Denise is one of the few people that I can trust and say is a woman of her word. May her story inspire and encourage you to choose contentment over bitterness.
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[photo credit]

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Bitterness and Contentment

It was 3:30 am again. I had to be up for work in a couple of hours and my head was throbbing, I was wide awake and I was losing all hope of falling asleep again. Laying there, staring into the darkness of my bedroom, thoughts began to swim through my head, and then, the tears came, burning my tired eyes. This was starting to become a daily thing. I couldn't stand it anymore. My life had been turned upside down and it felt like it had all happened overnight. Was this really happening? Was I still dreaming? Please God, let me fall back to sleep so I can wake up and this nightmare can be over.

Except it wasn't a nightmare, it was very real. I had lost my mother, and my father was marrying a much younger woman, even younger than I. Too many things were happening around me that I could not control. And every time I thought one trial had finished, another one immediately took its place. Everything was spinning out of control and I couldn't make it stop. The truth was, I couldn't stop it, not any of it. This was my new life and I was going to have to live with it, or stay miserable, stressed out, broken and wounded. The good news is that there was a way out and I knew it. I realized that the one who saved me, the one who had been there for me through everything, was still there. My God, who loved me dearly, was waiting with His arms wide open. He would be my comfort, my strength, my sanity.

Everything happened so fast, I should have been grieving but instead I was dealing with things beyond my control. There were times when my emotions took hold of me and I could barely breathe. I realized that if I let my emotions continue to control me, I wouldn't be able to breathe again.

More than any other emotions, what took over me the most was bitterness and anger. I think what shocked me was how quickly it all had happened. I didn't understand why or how it was happening, I just wanted someone to make it stop. However, deep down, I knew that all of this would be used for God’s glory. 

I felt like I couldn't trust anyone else on this earth. My real father was my God. He loved me more than anything. Isaiah 43:1-4, became my passage during this time.

“But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom; I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place. Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you.” ~Isaiah 43:1-4

I have a God who loves me and I couldn’t be more content in that thought. He loves me dearly. He can get me through anything. He was more real to me than He ever had been. He did not want me to be bitter and resentful. By holding onto my emotions and feeling bitter towards those around me, I was only hurting myself. No one else was losing sleep over this except me. But most of all it was hurting my testimony. How could I show the love of Christ and be an example to others if all they saw in me was sadness and anger. This is not the way God wants me to feel. It wasn’t easy but by staying in the word of God and keeping an open relationship with Him, everything became better. He spoke to me and comforted me tremendously. I was His daughter, His princess.  I was able to sleep at night and my bitterness slowly melted away. I was able to face things I never thought I would be able to face before and I was able to come home at night and actually enjoy being there. My situation did not change but my attitude toward it did.

We need to be content in all our circumstances. They are there to mold us and make us stronger. I heard a pastor use this analogy this week, he mentioned that when he was a child, his mother would bake and she would have all the ingredients laid out on the counter. He proceeded to try each one, the sugar, the oil, the flour, etc. He said he remembers trying each ingredient one by one. Individually, they tasted horrible, they were not appetizing at all. But when his mother put the ingredients together and baked them, they were delicious. When we look at each of our circumstances individually, they seem horrible, they are not good, but when you look at your life as a whole, these are the things that have made you who you are today, they have made something good.

In the end, I learned that I need to praise God no matter what, whether I am up or down. He loves me and knows what is best for me, even if I don’t understand it. He suffered for me, more than anything I will ever go through on this earth. If there is a situation that you are in that you feel you can’t control, surrender it to God, let Him handle it. If there is a person that you need to forgive, pray for them. You will be surprised at how much your attitude and heart changes toward a person when you are asking for God to work in them. Most of all, never stop worshiping Jesus. He loves you.

“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.” ~ Colossians 3:12-15

sentence tuesday

Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Christ.
-Oswald Chambers

a bit broken and anxious

Hi Friends.
So happy to be writing to you. I pray that you may be found resting, hoping and rejoicing in God's Word.

My heart is heavy, a bit broken and anxious- all for righteousness sake. The lack of love and compassion among Christians is sad. There seems to be more judgment than grace. I by no means intend on pointing a finger and not have three pointing back at me, I fall short too.






God is Holy.
God is Perfection.
God is Blameless & Spotless.
God is Creator, Maker, Author & Giver.
God is Beauty.
God is Light.
God is Life.
God is Deliver.
God is Liberator.
God is Freedom.
God is Father.
God is Spirit.
God is Son.
God is Just.
God is Judge.
God is Hope.
God is Love.
God is Mercy.
God is Grace.
God is Forgiving.
God is Compassionate.
God is Relentless.
God is what we are not.

I encourage you to be as Christ-like as you can be.
May we be known not for what we are against, but for what we believe. We aren't here to point out someone's sins (believe me they are very well aware of them) but rather, we are here to point them to Jesus. Let's not continue oppressing the hopeless or weak with our so-called "Christianity" and self-righteousness. On the contrary, let's abide continually with the Lord Jesus, so that the fruits of His Holy Spirit may be sown in us and flow through us to those who are poor in spirit. May the Love we have placed our faith in, be the Lord that transcends all sin.
Read this awesome testimony, click HERE.

What God has cleansed you must not call unclean. Acts 10:15

Lyrical Friday - Grace

Hi Friends! Happy Friday to You.
These past few days it seems as though the message of forgiveness and grace keeps coming up... I think God is trying to say something! This morning as I checked my Twitter account, I read a song suggestion from my friend Estela: Grace by Phil Wickham. Even though this is a song that I know, that I have known, it is still new to me. I've been walking with the Lord for 14 years, nevertheless, grace is very new to me. I pray that through these lyrics, you may be drawn into grace.

God's grace has taught me that I don't have to do life on my own strength, but in His strength.
God's grace has taught me that we all fall short, therefore we must keep our eyes only on Jesus.
God's grace has taught me that my shameful scars can be a beautiful picture of His redemption.
God's grace has taught me that despite my past mistakes I can still be used by Him.
God's grace has taught me that I will continue to make mistakes, and He'll continue to pick me up.
God's grace has taught me that nothing will ever separate me from His love.
God's grace has taught me to love God, to love people and to love myself.

Grace, Phil Wickham


The sky is grey and the light is far
The sea is a rage within my heart
I turn my sight to the crashing waves
I cry in the night just to be saved

I need eyes to be my guide
I need a voice that’s louder than mine
I need hope I need You 
Cause I can’t do this alone

Grace I call Your name
Oh won’t Your smile fall over me
I’m cracked and dry on hands and knees
Oh sweet grace rain down on me I need You grace

I pray for dawn a new day to live
I pray for mercy only Jesus gives
Though darkness falls and a million cry
I believe over all there’s a greater light shining for us

Come down and save me

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

when the dark cloud of guilt comes around...

hi dear friends.

I wanted to share a few verses with you that are life-savers in my life, especially when the dark cloud of guilt and shame comes over me... Cling to these promises and make them at home in your heart. Wonderful memory verses if you're looking for a few. May the Lord be merciful and gracious to you. May He speak both life and light to the dry and fallow ground of your heart. God bless you!

As far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12 

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalm 32:5

For the LORD your God is gracious and compassionate. He will not turn his face from you if you return to Him. 2 Chronicles 30:9

For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. 1 John 3:20

I will cleanse them of their sins against me and forgive all their sins of rebellion. Jeremiah 33:8

For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more. Hebrews 8:12

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1-2

Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sins are put out of sight. Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of sin. Romans 4:7-8

She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because He will save his people from their sins. Matthew 1:21

God exalted Jesus to His own right hand as Prince and Savior that He might bring You and Me to repentance and forgive our sins. Acts 5:21

forgiveness

"I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him." - C.S. Lewis

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
 Romans 8:1

Hi dear friends.
I read the C.S.Lewis quote earlier today and boy, did it remind me of how mighty God's grace is but also of how unforgiving we can be towards ourselves. There is no room for guilt and shame in the grand vastness of God's amazing love. It was easy to accept God's forgiveness but I couldn't forgive myself. I had allowed walls to build up in my heart, labeled "guilt". Only when I tore those walls down, after many years, did I forgive myself and fully accept and know God's grace for me. It's still a work in progress that the Lord has promised to complete.

As one who struggles with forgiveness, I can write to you and say: forgive yourself. It is the first step to accepting and knowing the fullness of God's grace. If you have the head knowledge of God's love, mercy, forgiveness and grace yet still struggle to love yourself, be merciful towards yourself, forgive yourself and accept God's grace; I urge you today:
tear
the
walls
down.

I don't know what your yesterday looks like. I don't know if you feel so worthless that you doubt God's grace for you. I don't even know if you believe that God can forgive your sins. But one thing I do know, God's unchanging character: [Don’t tear your clothing in your grief, but tear your hearts instead. Return to the Lord your God, for he is merciful and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He is eager to relent and not punish. Joel 3:13]

God's Grace is FOR YOU! Yes, You!
That's the greatness of God. It doesn't matter how ugly, icky, deep, wrong, dark, vicious, demonic, brutal, psychotic or small your sin may be, it is still sin and God is still God. He will forgive and make grace abound to you. Ask Him today, this very moment, to help you forgive yourself and accept His grace.

Beloved reader, if you were a victim of any wrong doing or violation to you, God's grace is FOR YOU! Yes, You! There is a promise in God's Word that I want you to hold on to, engrave it in your heart and mind: [So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten. Joel 2:25] Lord, Your Word says it, we believe it, now do it! Ask Him today, this very moment, to restore what has been taken: your worth and value, to help you forgive the other person(s), to forgive yourself and accept God's grace.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free
and discover that the prisoner was you." -Lewis B. Smedes

birthday surprise! It's Stephanie.

Today's birthday post comes from a very special friend. I was Stephanie's youth group leader when she was in High School. I have been a witness to the wonderful and faithful work of God in her life. Today Stephanie has bloomed into a beautiful lily among thorns. When I first asked her to pray about writing a guest post, she gently said no. However, the Lord had other plans. Below you will read what the Lord has spoken through her for you today.

God bless you!

Choosing to Forgive Even When We don’t ‘Feel’ Like It

Often times we are challenged to go beyond our “comfort zone” and do something out of the ordinary. Francis Chan could not have said it better: “We sometimes care about our comfort far more than we care about our character, but that's not God's desire.”

Sometimes we are faced with a challenge that we necessarily do not want to do. You see, I was challenged to do something in my life that I necessarily did not want to do. What’s the reason you may ask? Well, I could sit here for hours and give you excuses, but frankly, it was because I didn’t “feel” like it. I CHOSE not to do it.

One may hear all the time, “Life is FULL of choices” and if you really think about it, it’s true! You can choose to wake up in the morning expecting to have a wonderful day. You can choose to not get upset. You can choose to live a life worthy and surrendered to God. You can choose to set a good example at work, school, life, etc. You can choose to forgive those who have wronged you. You can choose to take charge of your own actions despite the way another may act. It’s all a choice, whether or not you “feel” like doing it. Why haven’t you done your homework? Because I don’t “feel” like it. Why haven’t you done your devo’s? Because I didn’t “feel” like it.

Choosing to base my decision upon all these “feelings” would be foolish. God’s word clearly tells us that the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). I would only be deceiving myself if I chose to listen to those “feelings.”

My friend asked me, “Do you think Jesus ‘felt’ like dying on the cross for us? Go ahead. Think about it.” He also shared that Jesus prayed 3 times asking God if there was any other way. Not one. Not two, but THREE times! Feel free to read the story. It’s in Matthew 26:36-46. Jesus knew that dying on the cross for our sins needed to be done. He loves us that much that He was willing to give it ALL just to be with us and offer that beautiful yet costly gift.

If we have chosen to give our “all” to God, yet we have chosen not to forgive another, have we truly given our “all” to Him? Forgiveness is definitely not an easy thing to do. If you are dealing with some type of hate or anger, let me ask you the following, “How does that hate/anger make you feel?” I bet it feels pretty bad. Note that hate is very hungry and has very sharp teeth. It can literally eat up your whole heart and leave no room left for love. Do not let your heart become a battlefield between love and hate.

Mediate upon the following two quotes:

• "Don't let your heart become angry toward people. God has not called us to yell at the darkness. God has called us to shine in the darkness." ü Brady Boyd

• Painful things that should be changed CAN be changed; from ending global poverty to healing a marriage. Willing to change is the difficult part. -Bianca Juarez

Now that God has given me all these insights into the things I was struggling with, I now have decided to take upon that challenge despite my feelings. An appropriate response is not a feeling, an appropriate response demands action. For me, in this season of my life, I have chosen to forgive. I love what Francis Chan said, “God is more concerned about changing YOU than changing your circumstance.”

At this time very moment you may be convinced with what I am sharing, but NOT necessarily converted and that’s fine because it is not my job. I’m not here to play the Holy Spirit. I’m here to share all that God has shown me and I pray that the Holy Spirit may give you the strength to do what He has called you to do and not just be filled with this knowledge and information God has shared through me. Stay strong in Him. Though roadblocks may alter your journey, remain steadfast in your Jesus journey and eventually, you will reach your destination. May we train ourselves to be still and hear the voice of God instead of our “feelings.”

I would like to close with the following statement I heard in a movie called “Amish Grace.” If you have not seen this film, I totally recommend it.

• “Faith when everything is as you want it to be is not true faith. It’s only when our lives are falling apart that we have our chance to make our faith real.”

The Heartbroken Lily- part 4

Praise the LORD!

For it is good to sing praises to our God;

For it is pleasant, and praise is beautiful. 

The LORD builds up Jerusalem;

He gathers together the outcasts of Israel.

He heals the brokenhearted

And binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:1-3

I can not thank you enough. I think today's post will be the hardest one yet. It will be like digging into a grave that I buried my heart breaking memories. None the less, it is through those heartaches that I have come to know God as my healer, comforter, and God of wonders. I have come to know God the Father in a very intimate way through these hard times. I would be limiting God's amazing glory by sharing only the great joys in my life. I have a need to expose my hurts and pain because it is in those dark moments that God’s amazing glory did shine the brightest. The stories I will share will not coincide necessarily with the time frame of parts one - three of my testimony but is more of a beautifully broken medley of God's redeeming love.

I shared with you that though I had claimed to be a Christian I had not been living the life of a Christ follower. Sure, I shared Christ with people, but my actions washed out my words. There is power in the Holy Spirit, and at times, I felt a tug at my heart and I knew that it was the Spirit of God telling to share Christ with someone. At times I would, but at other moments the fear or rejection, of being mocked and of appearing too religious held me back from speaking. Afterwards, I would go through the world's worst guilt trip for not doing so. One Friday, I felt a heavy burden to speak to a friend of mine about Jesus, and about the hope found in Him. God’s message was very clear. It was as if God wanted me to speak only about hope. But, I was uneasy with sharing God's hope to her. It turned out that we would spend the entire day together. For a second time, the Lord told me to talk to her. I neglected to do so one more time. Again and again, throughout the day the Lord kept prompting me to speak to her. I spent a good 6 hours with her engaged in conversation and what not but I did not speak to her. Afterwards, I felt horrible because I knew what I had to do and didn’t do it. “Next time Lord,” is what I said to Him. She committed suicide that night.

I have made many terrible decisions, but to me, none can be worse than this one. Through many words of comfort, I was reminded that she made this decision on her own to take her life. But the doubt that if I had said something to her she could have possibly still be alive today. I have never been able to surrender this guilt fully. A part of me finds comfort in holding myself accountable for her death. I still drive by where she committed suicide and just cry till I can’t cry anymore. After her death, life for me changed forever. I promised the Lord to be obedient to His prompting and to speak boldly. However, this was not going to change the fact that she wasn’t here. I couldn’t sleep for a very long time. I would have dreams of her asking me why I never shared Jesus with her. What helped was God’s divine grace. He bandaged my wound with the help of my family and friends. A friend from church bought me a pillow to cry on, a journal to vent and a book* that helped me get back on track and be a courageous witness to the lost. The day of her funeral I had written a poem dedicated to her. I gave it to her grieving parents.

There is one more death that I have bottled up inside and probably the most difficult one to talk about. And if you are somewhat close to me, you know that if it wasn’t for God I wouldn’t be writing about this. This Sunday, December the 6th will be five years since my Grandfather went to be with the Lord. As if I didn’t cry enough about Susie’s suicide, writing about Abuelito is shredding me to pieces. His death is the deepest wound I have. Far deeper than the suicide, far deeper than walking away from my first love, far deeper than the most horrific experiences I had. Death is so final.

Abuelito to me was my earthly Prince. He would always remind me of how I was his favorite grandchild. He always commended me on being strong willed, and of a rough character. He would always smile at me when I would stand up for myself. He spoiled me with love. He let me get away with anything. He would let me light up his cigarettes as a child. And often times he would leave me a beer under the dinning table, knowing full well that Mami would get upset at Him. I loved rubbing his bald head and his belly. I loved his hands and his feet. He was the funniest man I knew and will ever know. But he was also, one of the godliest too. He knew the Bible, every story, every word. He taught me to love cheese, Häagen-Dazs ice cream and the New York Yankees. He was a hard working man. His death was very sudden. And even though I have all these wonferful memories to keep his memory alive in me, I still am mourning his death, I think I always will.

The night before He went to be with the Lord, my Grandmother had called me to ask if I could take Abuelito to his doctor’s appointment the next morning. She told me the time and I agreed to pick Him up since it was going to be my day off. The morning came and I was running late to go pick him up. That’s when I got the phone call from my Grandmother. She was panicking and I couldn’t understand what she was saying. All I could make out was, “Pedrito! Ay Pedrito! Corre!” in English it would be, “Pedrito! Oh my goodness, Pedrito! Hurry!” I ran to my Mother’s room, she was getting dressed. I yelled that something was wrong with Abuelito and we rushed over to their house. On the way we called an Ambulance to meet us there. When we arrived we found that a neighbor had already called 911. I watched the limb body of my Grandfather as He lay on the floor. The Paramedics were resuscitating him. My Grandmother was freaking out, Mami was hysterical and my baby cousin could not stop crying. I was motionless. I felt as if my life was being taken from me. All I could think was, “Raquel, why didn’t you pick Him up on time??? You could have had him at the clinic the time the heart attack happened.” Within minutes he released all his body fluids and I knew very well what that meant. But I wasn’t going to lose hope; the paramedics rushed Him to the Hospital.

At 11 am, that Monday morning they doctors signed him off as dead. At the least I know he didn’t suffer. I have never been able to forgive myself for this. Nor have been able to forgive myself for the pain I have caused my entire family with this great loss. I could have been there earlier, with time to spare but I wasn’t. It took me a very long time to return to my Grandmother’s house. Still today I go back there and I remember vividly Abuelito on the floor, lifeless. I am so overcome with guilt that I can’t even stand being around my own Grandmother, because I feel that I have failed her and caused her so much grief. Maybe I sink into guilt because it will offer me a temporary explanation for Abuelito’s death, when I can’t understand why He had to die. And even though, I may never be able to overcome Abuelito’s death, knowing that He is in Heaven enjoying the presence of the Lord gives me great joy. Without a doubt, I know He is with the Lord. And yes, this year he had God help the New York Yankees win the World Series, lol.

God has sustained me through both of these terrible experiences, along with other heartaches that maybe someday I will share with you. Though I have had a hard time forgiving myself, I bask in the forgiveness of God and find peace and security there. The Lord gave me two great verses that constantly console me, when guilt seems to creep in:

“Come now, and let us reason together,” Says the LORD, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, and they shall be as wool. Isaiah 1:18

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

December the 10th 2004, I have recorded in my journal verses that the Lord gave me to comfort me through the book of Isaiah** after Abuelito's death.

These heart aches, scars and memories that I have endured are what unite me to everyone else. We all hurt, we all cried and we all lose something or someone we love at one point or another. But we have a great God that can work out everything for our good. In the words of Ken Graves, “pain is our teacher.” I have known the pain of losing someone to eternal damnation, a pain that our Father must suffer too often. I have known the pain of momentary loss, like God submitted himself to when Jesus paid our debt in the pits of Hell. I have known rejection, humiliation, mockery like my Jesus has known when I share Christ and He is rejected. But I have also known the joy of seeing a friend come to Christ. I have known the joy of knowing that I will see Abuelito face to face. I have known the joy of walking with the Lord and I am not letting go.

I invite you to return to my blog tomorrow Friday, for the conclusion of this Lily story.

*Click here for the book

** Click here for verses in Isaiah that comforted me