 |
| photo credit |
I've never told the bathtub story.
There was a tub. That’s all it was though—an empty beige
bathtub with a handheld faucet. My first instinct was, “Damn, I’m going to make
a disastrous mess every time I bathe.” I pictured a flood of murky water
seeping down the hall into my room. (Which actually happened one morning, but
it wasn't my fault, I swear!) Ministry in Uganda is a dirty business; dusty
feet, orange-tainted clothes, wash my long hair two or three times just for it
to feel clean and the water not be brown, kind of dirty.
Then, there was this one day. This overwhelming,
slap-in-the-face, type of day. The kind of day where I prayed on the boda boda
(motorcycle taxi) all the way home that I would have enough connection to call
my mom and listen to her wisdom. With the time difference I had to wait for her
to wake up, of course! It was one of those days where trusting in this great
big God of mine, the Creator and Savior of the universe, was harder than
getting on that same boda boda with a skirt (NOT easy, people).
It was on this day, in Gulu, Uganda. From one moment to the
next, I found myself fully clothed and in fetal position, crying my eyes out
for almost three hours… inside of this tub. For that brief time, my world sort
of froze. I felt as though it hadn't completely shattered, but it was slightly
tilted a little too far over for my comfort, and all I found myself doing was
trying to find some sort of balance for my heart, to where it wouldn't topple
over and break completely.
I had effectively lost my grip. Had I forgotten what to
expect? Had I let my emotions run too deep? Maybe, just maybe I expected too
much from someone who was unstable to begin with? How could anyone just leave
them? Literally just abandon them in
front of my face.
Obviously, God knew the answers to all of the million
questions racing through my head.
Here’s the thing— I often wonder how my thoughts towards
this world, our duties, this life— how it all would really be to me if I hadn't
met Patience and Andrew. While in Uganda, I got a small glimpse into the life of being a mom. I experienced first-hand dealing with the struggles of my kids on a daily
basis. I dealt with the personalities accompanied by the attitudes. I saw joy
and innocence as well as the hurt and suffering that no child should ever have
to experience. It was in the midst of caring for these two precious lives
though, that God truly stretched me farther than I ever thought imaginable.
I dealt with their birth mother. She was younger than I with
a total of six children. The twins were the youngest of them all at two years
old. She was sick. They were starving, literally. And I was found in the mix
because God purposefully had me there in Gulu Babies Home on this very same
day. She left them there. In that moment, she chose addiction as she walked
away from me with her skinny toddlers crying in my arms.
In this moment, curled up in that bathtub, for the first
time ever, I actually doubted
“purpose”. Has that ever happened to you? Maybe you've never found yourself sitting
alone in a tub, but has God ever thrown a curve-ball to you so fast that—forget
not even seeing it come—you were just left questioning “is this even real?”
Wisdom from my mom helped only for the moment. The solace
provided by roommates, the same.
“God, did I really just experience this? Were these kids
that I just grew to love just left
behind by their own mother?”
It was in that bathtub that I realized I was trying to remind God of the things He promised to
us—telling Him that He was doing it all wrong. Funny right? I didn't think so.
Firmly holding onto God’s promises in the midst of hardship
can be a powerful experience. Did I fully trust God at His Word? Definitely not
in that moment. I will humbly admit that I had a moment of relapse, but God
graciously allowed me to stumble over myself, feel the hurt and vulnerability
that He knew I needed, and give me the strength to pick myself back up and make
a difference.
He knew.
He allowed the circumstances around me to take place. He
didn't feel bad for me, but instead He entrusted me with the blessing of being
a part of the beautiful rescue mission that was about to take place in the
lives of my twins. Clearly, in my own life as well.
Please be encouraged today in knowing that God’s promises
are true. We are loved by a God who is forgiveness, mercy, grace, faithfulness,
strength and love. It’s a reminder I need EVERY SINGLE DAY.
And with that truth stored away in my heart, the only
purpose for a bathtub from now on is solely to relax!
.jpeg) |
| Patience, Nicki, and Andrew, first time ever walking in 2 years. Uganda 2013 |
No comments:
Post a Comment