my struggle with fear

Happy Monday!
I am struggling to write this post because I know that I have to be honest. And honest means I cannot hide behind a smile or pretty words. So I'm just going to jump into this thing.

Weight

Weight-loss

Food

Eat Clean

Exercise
Fit

Fat 

Obese

Skinny

All these words, as individuals and as a whole, have always provoked one sentiment: fear. It's difficult to explain, but I will try. Anorexia not only affected me physically, it also scarred me mentally. I do believe that I was physically healed, but mentally I have been in bondage to the fear of relapsing. I fear that if I begin to restrict certain foods or the amount of food, that I will spiral down to a cracker a day. I fear that if I begin to work out, I will work myself out as I have done in the past. I have yet to tread down a path where self control and balance is the norm. I have only known extremes and fear.

A month ago I took a step of bold courage and applied for a boot-camp held at my job for the employees. I told my dept (we are only 5 ladies) that I had applied and hoped that in doing so it would keep me accountable if I was selected. One of my coworker applied as well. Three weeks ago, we received notification that we were chosen. It felt as if a ton of bricks were dropped in my stomach.

Two thoughts came to mind:
1. You are so out of shape and will be the fat girl in the camp. You're going to hold everyone back. They are going to laugh at you, or look down on you for letting yourself go this much.
2. What if I do well and two days a week becomes three days, and then four days becomes five days, and then six days, seven days? What if then I'm working out two times a day, seven days a week? How will this work out? No one has to know how much I am actually working out. I don't need people in my life, I can just work out.

And then, a third thought.
3. Stop thinking like that! You haven't even begun and you're already being extreme. Don't start the boot-camp, its taking you down a bad road again.

These thoughts have been my struggle for 15 years. These thoughts have crippled me and shackled my ability to do anything more than fear. So I was left with a choice. Attend the boot-camp in a step of faith or sit on the couch and fear. I asked 10 ladies close to me to pray me through the next 7 weeks. With their help, I have completed two weeks of the boot-camp and a the Susan G. Komen 5k race/walk for the cure of breast cancer in my Aunt's honor. Has it been easy? NO! Probably one of the most difficult obstacles I've had to overcome in a very long time. I have five more weeks of boot-camp left to accomplish and Lord willing, a lifetime of reaching daily goals of not fearing, taking every thought captive, and relying on the Holy Spirit for self-control.

Why am I sharing this?
Not because it feels good to be transparent. On the contrary, I am vulnerable right now, ashamed, and embarrassed. But I know that I am not alone in struggling with a form of fear. Let the encouragement of my faithful friends encourage you to step out in faith and trample fear.

YD- 

Don't be discouraged, you can do this! When you feel weak HE is strong! HE gives you what you need. Rely on HIM for strength. When you look back at the end of boot camp you are going to amazed at how far HE has taken you. In your moments of weakness set your eyes on HIM. Call to HIM for help. HE will answer! Just like when a parent teaches a child to ride a bike; a parent holds the back of the bike and runs alongside the child until the child gains enough confidence and stability, and slowly the parent starts to let go of the bike. Right now the LORD is running alongside you, "I've got you, Raquel." "I won't let go". "Don't give up!" "I'm with you." "You CAN do this!" 

CG- Jesus will be with you every step of the way. And so will your girls. You are not alone. You are in my daily prayers. 

PG- The Lord gives us strength we didn't know we had. 

MC- Look at it this way, its like bringing a new sacrifice unto the Lord. Praying for you because I am right with you! I promise it will pay off, and in a few weeks you will feel like you are on top of the world!

1 Corinthians 10:31- Whether you eat, or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

birthday surprise! It's Yesenia.

Happy Tuesday! 

I am so excited to introduce to you Yesenia. It's wonderful how you can know someone for a few months yet feel as if you have known them a lifetime... that is my relationship with her, kindred spirits. The Lord has built a beautiful friendship/sisterhood between us. I pray that you may be blessed abundantly with her post today. 

First  class forever

Whenever waiting in line we know how impatient we can become and start staring around in search for something that might entertain us. Never once did I think I would find myself being amused by a stamp while waiting at the post office. There wasn’t any special or cool design to this stamp that would make it stand out, in all actuality it was quite plain and dull.  But what caught my eye is that on the side of this stamp the word first class forever was written. My first thought when reading that was, “ I've never even flown first class.” 

As I continued to ponder on this little stamp, the sudden realization hit me that I've been missing the opportunity to fly first class, but not on a plane. You see, when you get on a plane the sole purpose is to get to a destination. Sometimes, the ride will consist of some turbulence along the way, leaving you a bit shaken and even afraid to ride a plane again. Though some of us have landing places we would like to travel to, the truth is, we all have a final destination. Reading that stamp made me realize that I have been given the opportunities to ride “first class” and I have missed out because I sold myself short and settled. In my relationship with God I have been guilty of settling for “economy seats,” if it meant that I’d still get to the grand destination called Heaven. 

Our God wants was it best for us; He doesn't want us to just get by. Life in itself isn't easy, because even those who ride “first class” will feel the turbulence. I rather get to my destination riding “first class “and living out Gods purpose then ever settling for “economy” in order to avoid discomfort. God will call us to do radical things that we can’t understand and He will take us out of our comfort zone, because His plans are bigger than ours. So next time God calls you to do something, step out on faith and let Him take control of the plane, and remember that God has given you “first class” and it may come with turbulence, but don't fear because you have the best captain ever.

 (Even the guy who landed the plane on the Hudson River ain"t got nothing on my God  )

say what!?

I had an incredible Sunday. There's a new church in town: Rebel Church and Dominic Balli was here. 54 lives were rocked unto salvation. Crazy enough, the fliers for the event that I bombarded my local supermarket with, made it to one of the employees who attended last night and surrendered His live to Jesus. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Romans 12:2). Be a part of the rebel movement wherever you live.

Anywho, yesterday I read 2 chapters of Ezekiel that have impacted me greatly. I will not dare to elaborate or share my thoughts on it. Rather, I'll let you read it and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you. May the Lord bless you and keep and make His face to shine upon you. May you be beacons of light and the mouth piece of God as you go out in the name of Jesus.

Ezekiel 2. To read click HERE.
Ezekiel 3. To read click HERE.

Busted

Peter told them, “You know it is against our laws for a Jewish man to enter a Gentile home like this or to associate with you. But God has shown me that I should no longer think of anyone as impure or unclean. -Acts 10:28

Then Peter replied, “I see very clearly that God shows no favoritism." -Acts 10:34

Even as Peter was saying these things, the Holy Spirit fell upon all who were listening to the message. -Acts 10:44

Hello my lovely readers.
The Lord has me reading the book of Acts. It's a great book, filled with little treasures. I refer to this book as a Jewelry Shop, so many valuables are found in it. In chapter 10, I came across a very precious stone. In a summary (though I really wish you would read it for yourself), in a vision God tells Peter to not call unclean that which He has made clean (verse 15). God leads Peter, in a very cool way, to Caesarea. It is there that through Peter the Gentiles hear the good news and recieve the Holy Spirit too.

As I read this precious jewel of a story I heard a sweet voice name a specific person to my heart, we'll call her Jenna.

"Lord why do you bring her up?" I asked Him.
He answered, "I have made her clean, why do you contiue to treat her as if
she was unclean?"

BUSTED!!! I felt like curling up in a ball, in a desperate attemp to hide from the Lord. It had never hit me that I was being judgemental and bitter towards someone whom I considered to be unworthy, unclean and dirty. I had failed the Lord once again. I was confronted with my sin and asked the Lord for boldness and courage to picked up the phone and call Jenna. During that phone call I opened up, confessed and asked for her forgiveness. I was so broken. She was loving, forgiving, humble and meek. The Lord did restore our relationship.

So, who is your Jenna? Is there someone in your life whom you have labeled unclean? Or have you labeled a stranger as unworthy? Christ died for all, equally. Peter in this chapter makes mention that God shows no partiality, so why should we? That lady that really gets to your nerves needs to be shown grace, mercy and love. The individual that hurt you so deeply needs to see Christ vivdly through you. The lady in the corner, she needs to know that God does care for her. That other religion and culture is dying because we are too angry or scared to approach them, and love them courageously. Whether it be the tattoo covered person, the homeless, the lady in the grocery line, the guy who just hit your car or your friendly neighbor, they all need to know Jesus. I know that some people make it real hard to love them, trust me I know, but I also know that we can do all things through Christ who strenthens us (Philippians 1:6). And as for that stranger that you feel you can't approach, 2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us that He [God] has not given us a Spirit of fear, but of power (yeah!), love (I recieve it!) and a sound mind (I need it!).

I challenge you, to not call unclean that which God died to make clean. Be quick to love. Be quick to talk about Jesus. And if you are holding a grudge, set yourself free by forgiving that person and if led by the Lord ask that person to forgive you too. Remember the Gentiles of Caesarea, who came to salvation because Peter chose to look beyond the earthly.
Who can you love today?
Who can you share Jesus with?