Monday, October 21, 2013

my struggle with fear

Happy Monday!
I am struggling to write this post because I know that I have to be honest. And honest means I cannot hide behind a smile or pretty words. So I'm just going to jump into this thing.

Eat Clean
All these words, as individuals and as a whole, have always provoked one sentiment: fear. It's difficult to explain, but I will try. Anorexia not only affected me physically, it also scarred me mentally. I do believe that I was physically healed, but mentally I have been in bondage to the fear of relapsing. I fear that if I begin to restrict certain foods or the amount of food, that I will spiral down to a cracker a day. I fear that if I begin to work out, I will work myself out as I have done in the past. I have yet to tread down a path where self control and balance is the norm. I have only known extremes and fear.

A month ago I took a step of bold courage and applied for a boot-camp held at my job for the employees. I told my dept (we are only 5 ladies) that I had applied and hoped that in doing so it would keep me accountable if I was selected. One of my coworker applied as well. Three weeks ago, we received notification that we were chosen. It felt as if a ton of bricks were dropped in my stomach.

Two thoughts came to mind:
1. You are so out of shape and will be the fat girl in the camp. You're going to hold everyone back. They are going to laugh at you, or look down on you for letting yourself go this much.
2. What if I do well and two days a week becomes three days, and then four days becomes five days, and then six days, seven days? What if then I'm working out two times a day, seven days a week? How will this work out? No one has to know how much I am actually working out. I don't need people in my life, I can just work out.

And then, a third thought.
3. Stop thinking like that! You haven't even begun and you're already being extreme. Don't start the boot-camp, its taking you down a bad road again.

These thoughts have been my struggle for 15 years. These thoughts have crippled me and shackled my ability to do anything more than fear. So I was left with a choice. Attend the boot-camp in a step of faith or sit on the couch and fear. I asked 10 ladies close to me to pray me through the next 7 weeks. With their help, I have completed two weeks of the boot-camp and a the Susan G. Komen 5k race/walk for the cure of breast cancer in my Aunt's honor. Has it been easy? NO! Probably one of the most difficult obstacles I've had to overcome in a very long time. I have five more weeks of boot-camp left to accomplish and Lord willing, a lifetime of reaching daily goals of not fearing, taking every thought captive, and relying on the Holy Spirit for self-control.

Why am I sharing this?
Not because it feels good to be transparent. On the contrary, I am vulnerable right now, ashamed, and embarrassed. But I know that I am not alone in struggling with a form of fear. Let the encouragement of my faithful friends encourage you to step out in faith and trample fear.

Don't be discouraged, you can do this! When you feel weak HE is strong! HE gives you what you need. Rely on HIM for strength. When you look back at the end of boot camp you are going to amazed at how far HE has taken you. In your moments of weakness set your eyes on HIM. Call to HIM for help. HE will answer! Just like when a parent teaches a child to ride a bike; a parent holds the back of the bike and runs alongside the child until the child gains enough confidence and stability, and slowly the parent starts to let go of the bike. Right now the LORD is running alongside you, "I've got you, Raquel." "I won't let go". "Don't give up!" "I'm with you." "You CAN do this!" 

CG- Jesus will be with you every step of the way. And so will your girls. You are not alone. You are in my daily prayers. 

PG- The Lord gives us strength we didn't know we had. 

MC- Look at it this way, its like bringing a new sacrifice unto the Lord. Praying for you because I am right with you! I promise it will pay off, and in a few weeks you will feel like you are on top of the world!

1 Corinthians 10:31- Whether you eat, or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

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