my struggle with fear

Happy Monday!
I am struggling to write this post because I know that I have to be honest. And honest means I cannot hide behind a smile or pretty words. So I'm just going to jump into this thing.

Weight

Weight-loss

Food

Eat Clean

Exercise
Fit

Fat 

Obese

Skinny

All these words, as individuals and as a whole, have always provoked one sentiment: fear. It's difficult to explain, but I will try. Anorexia not only affected me physically, it also scarred me mentally. I do believe that I was physically healed, but mentally I have been in bondage to the fear of relapsing. I fear that if I begin to restrict certain foods or the amount of food, that I will spiral down to a cracker a day. I fear that if I begin to work out, I will work myself out as I have done in the past. I have yet to tread down a path where self control and balance is the norm. I have only known extremes and fear.

A month ago I took a step of bold courage and applied for a boot-camp held at my job for the employees. I told my dept (we are only 5 ladies) that I had applied and hoped that in doing so it would keep me accountable if I was selected. One of my coworker applied as well. Three weeks ago, we received notification that we were chosen. It felt as if a ton of bricks were dropped in my stomach.

Two thoughts came to mind:
1. You are so out of shape and will be the fat girl in the camp. You're going to hold everyone back. They are going to laugh at you, or look down on you for letting yourself go this much.
2. What if I do well and two days a week becomes three days, and then four days becomes five days, and then six days, seven days? What if then I'm working out two times a day, seven days a week? How will this work out? No one has to know how much I am actually working out. I don't need people in my life, I can just work out.

And then, a third thought.
3. Stop thinking like that! You haven't even begun and you're already being extreme. Don't start the boot-camp, its taking you down a bad road again.

These thoughts have been my struggle for 15 years. These thoughts have crippled me and shackled my ability to do anything more than fear. So I was left with a choice. Attend the boot-camp in a step of faith or sit on the couch and fear. I asked 10 ladies close to me to pray me through the next 7 weeks. With their help, I have completed two weeks of the boot-camp and a the Susan G. Komen 5k race/walk for the cure of breast cancer in my Aunt's honor. Has it been easy? NO! Probably one of the most difficult obstacles I've had to overcome in a very long time. I have five more weeks of boot-camp left to accomplish and Lord willing, a lifetime of reaching daily goals of not fearing, taking every thought captive, and relying on the Holy Spirit for self-control.

Why am I sharing this?
Not because it feels good to be transparent. On the contrary, I am vulnerable right now, ashamed, and embarrassed. But I know that I am not alone in struggling with a form of fear. Let the encouragement of my faithful friends encourage you to step out in faith and trample fear.

YD- 

Don't be discouraged, you can do this! When you feel weak HE is strong! HE gives you what you need. Rely on HIM for strength. When you look back at the end of boot camp you are going to amazed at how far HE has taken you. In your moments of weakness set your eyes on HIM. Call to HIM for help. HE will answer! Just like when a parent teaches a child to ride a bike; a parent holds the back of the bike and runs alongside the child until the child gains enough confidence and stability, and slowly the parent starts to let go of the bike. Right now the LORD is running alongside you, "I've got you, Raquel." "I won't let go". "Don't give up!" "I'm with you." "You CAN do this!" 

CG- Jesus will be with you every step of the way. And so will your girls. You are not alone. You are in my daily prayers. 

PG- The Lord gives us strength we didn't know we had. 

MC- Look at it this way, its like bringing a new sacrifice unto the Lord. Praying for you because I am right with you! I promise it will pay off, and in a few weeks you will feel like you are on top of the world!

1 Corinthians 10:31- Whether you eat, or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Lyrical Friday & getting owned!

Hi Everyone!
Before we get into Lyrical Friday, I wanted to blog a little about what the Lord has been showing me. He busted me earlier this week and the only way that I can describe it (thanks to my friend Chris) is that I was totally, wholly and completely OWNED by the Lord. And let me just tell you, being owned by the Lord is a pretty sweet feeling, lol.
For those of you just joining the blog (girls from Westood Wood Christian a big welcome) here is a little history to get you up to date, and by no means do I share this lightly. The SHORT and sweet version: I battle a struggle with Anorexia, mostly fighting thoughts to not relapse. Praise be to God who leads me in triumph continually and guards my steps, only by His strength am I kept whole. I am also a self proclaimed shopaholic. I know this sounds absurd to include this in the same category of struggles, but I love to shop. I'm not too sure if it is Satan himself who sets up the sales traps or if they are amazing God sent sale opportunities... or maybe it's just me!

Everyone faces trials, times of difficulty and seasons of mourning; we all cope differently. When things spiral out of control in my life, as they have the last two weeks, the dark cloud of Anorexia comes over me and does not depart. My thoughts are quickly consumed with this self destructive, self inflicted sin. Being aware of this "cloud" and not desiring to fall in to temptation I run to my comfort zone, to my place of hiding place, no, not God but to shopping. I have noticed that I have not be a wise stewardess of GOD'S money... that's right, I just said that, God's money. I have even thanked Him for the new items of clothing I purchased and for the wonderful gifts I bought. Each item purchased felt like a great accomplishment. Allow me to explain, shopping is more than an even exchange, for me it is therapeutic in a sense. My mind is distracted from the thoughts, the pain, the trial. It feels right to shop but it is only pleasurable for a moment. Shopping is a cheap cover up but not a permanent solution. Soon after the guilt sinks in and an overwhelming feeling of failure.

This past Wednesday as I was working on my HEAL lesson I came across this, "Go to God with your needs- not guys, food, retail therapy, or anything else to fill your emotionally and spiritually." Busted! I continued and came across this one verse, and I was confronted even more with my two areas of weakness: Luke 12:23, "Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing." AHH! Say What?! I had to do a double take. A verse, just for me. God is faithful, He quickly gave me words of comfort, life and hope: Luke 12:32, "Do not fear, Raquel, for it is My good pleasure to give you the kingdom." I felt so dumb... it is so easy to not trust God and become spritually crippled. Going first to God would have been the best solution, however, I took matter into my weak hands.

It is by daily drawing near to Jesus and embracing him as the One who can put us in right standing with God the Father that we are set upon the path of authentic healing. -Allie Marie Smith

All this to say that I am utterly humbled and surrendered to Jesus- again! Thanks be to God who gives joy, hope and life abundantly after failure. That same day He gave me a scripture, a crutch to lean on, a promise to hold on to: Isaiah 40:29, "He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength." May we never shy away from experiencing the warm embrace from the God of all comforts. Let us run to Him first and always. 

Anywho, today's song is a deep cry of my heart. My prayer is that both you and I would be a people who are fully surrendered to Jesus our Lord. My prayer is that through our lives, other's would see God in His glorious splendor. Let hope arise and darkness tremble in His holy light! 


(please pause the media player on the sidebar)
With Everything, Joel Houston


VERSE I:
Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen

VERSE II:
Break down our pride
And all the walls we've built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet

PRE-CHORUS:
Let hope rise And darkness tremble
In Your holy light That every eye will see
Jesus our God Great and mighty to be praised

VERSE III:
God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name

CHORUS I:
With everything With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything With everything
We will shout forth Your praise

CHORUS II:
Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise

HEAL Journey- lesson one

Time sure flies. Yesterday I met with the Youth Discipleship for our HEAL Journey study. We finished Lesson One: You Are Wonderfully Made. Personally, the study was challenging, convicting and liberating. Here is a glimpse:

“Being wonderfully made means that you have a Maker- a Maker who made you and made you beautifully; a Maker who loves you and knows you, has amazing doe you, and longs to reveal to you your value and worth as His daughter.”
“We are God’s little miracles… his children… wholly and dearly loved.”

“As daughters of God we are made to live in the light, but too often we opt for the darkness either because it’s familiar and safe or because we’re ashamed of our secrets. When it comes to interactions with food, many of us are experts at hiding things. But the reality is, while we might be able to hide our secrets from the people in our lives, we can’t hide from God.”

Last quote… “We live in a world that threatens our relationship with God. We are surrounded by counterfeits that claim to be the answer to what our hearts are seeking. But He is the only One who can truly satisfy our hungry hearts.”

Good stuff, huh?!

Going back to the group, we had an awesome time. We were extremely blessed with an incredibly delicious breakfast provided by one of the Moms. Our guest speaker was none other than my best friend Andrea aka Nana (you can read our story here). She shared her “wonderfully made” story with the girls and encouraged them with two great verses: Ephesians 2:10* and 2 Corinthians 12:9*. I asked each guest speaker to prepare an activity and Nana taught the girls how to prepare their own homemade facial/body scrubs. The girls enjoyed that so much. We then dived into our group study. I am in awe of God’s goodness and faithfulness towards us as I read Psalm 139*. Each girl shared what being wonderfully made means to them. It was a time of both boldness and healing as we each shared our weaknesses. It was also a time of refreshing as God’s precious Spirit filled us afresh and anew with the promises found in His word.

Goodie Bags!
Gift giving is definitely my love language, so naturally I prepared them another goodie bag. This bag included two items:

1. Play-Doh: to paint the picture that God holds us in His hands, molding us to be all that He created us to be.

2. Gel Eye Mask: (double meaning for this one) A. Incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit is produced resting and waiting on the Lord. B. These eye masks can be used either hot to help relax or cold to help refresh but left to be used lukewarm would do absolutely nothing, therefore the application is to be either hot or cold but not lukewarm.

Keep praying for these wonderfully made youth girls as they embark on lesson two of their HEAL Journey. Have a beautiful week. Enjoy your life, the abundant life found in Jesus Christ.

* Click here for Ephesians 2:10, 2 Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 139