Tuesday, June 8, 2010

looking into the mirror


This past Friday was Jen's birthday. ((A little history for those new to the blog: back in January Jen, one of my best friends, moved to Atlanta, GA.)) She flew down to Miami for the weekend to celebrate. The gang gathered at a very cute restaurant called Berries. It was heavenly to have everyone together. My best friends sitting at one table, I couldn't ask for more. I miss my friends. I miss having the intimate connection of a friend that is closer than a brother. I miss the accountability. I miss the group prayers. I miss the adventures. I miss laughing at a joke that no one else could possibly understand. And a part of me yearns for the days when we all were without care.

This year has been rough for me.
Thus far, God has been doing a new work in me... I can't pin point one specific area but I feel Him stretching me. Growing pains... a lot of : Adjustments. Seeking. Discovering. Letting go. Accepting. Pondering. Brokenness. Wholeness. Restoration. Healing.
A whole lot of a whole lot.

I don't know what other word(s) would describe how I feel other than alone and lost.

I am learning that the life of ministry is a lonely one.
I am learning that it's OK to be lost, because I will hear a voice saying, "this is the way, walk in it."
I miss who I was but I am learning so much of who I am not and who God wants me to be.
I am learning to not be dependant on others, for God desires and requires holiness.
I am learning, in the most painful of ways, that life is not fair- but God works ALL things out for the good of those called according to His ways.
I am learning to wait upon the Lord and to be of good courage.
I am learning that I know nothing of God's love, grace and mercy.
I am learning, growing and becoming.

Between you and I, though I miss the yesterdays with my best friends and I miss who I was, what I have with God today, though alone, is wonderful. My mind and heart know that to be a lily among thorns, I have to lay down my life. That is, letting go of all that I miss, all that I yearn for, and (the hardest one of all) saying adios to all that is me. Looking into the mirror I hope to one day see not my own reflection, but the reflection of Christ.

This past Sunday at church my dear Pastor reminded me, that the Christian life is a radical life and a life of inconvenience. With that said I close with a word of hope, a word that is convicting me this very moment:

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Therefore, let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you. +Philippians 3:12-15

3 comments:

Dasha said...

i love you!! =)

melissa said...

oh...love that verse...so what i need to hear and read...i had to take a break from my task at hand so i came over here because i have months of catching up to do. :) In April we turned off our internet...but it was all for God's ordained purposes...do you remember i shared with you that my dad had cancer? I think i told...well in April, God led me to study rest. that has been my word, my homework, my desire....little did i know it would be preparation for an experiential lesson because my dad ended up passing away last friday....and resting in the lord was just what my sovereign lord has ordered...but please keep us in prayer...i hope to get internet soon so i can catch up more often...

much love, dear sister!

ajnrileysmommy said...

enjoyed reading your thoughts. the christian life sure is a radical cone. but we know that when we see Jesus' face, it will be worth IT ALL!!

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