This past Friday was Jen's birthday. ((A little history for those new to the blog: back in January Jen, one of my best friends, moved to Atlanta, GA.)) She flew down to Miami for the weekend to celebrate. The gang gathered at a very cute restaurant called Berries. It was heavenly to have everyone together. My best friends sitting at one table, I couldn't ask for more. I miss my friends. I miss having the intimate connection of a friend that is closer than a brother. I miss the accountability. I miss the group prayers. I miss the adventures. I miss laughing at a joke that no one else could possibly understand. And a part of me yearns for the days when we all were without care.
This year has been rough for me.
Thus far, God has been doing a new work in me... I can't pin point one specific area but I feel Him stretching me. Growing pains... a lot of : Adjustments. Seeking. Discovering. Letting go. Accepting. Pondering. Brokenness. Wholeness. Restoration. Healing.
A whole lot of a whole lot.
I don't know what other word(s) would describe how I feel other than alone and lost.
I am learning that the life of ministry is a lonely one.
I am learning that it's OK to be lost, because I will hear a voice saying, "this is the way, walk in it."
I miss who I was but I am learning so much of who I am not and who God wants me to be.
I am learning to not be dependant on others, for God desires and requires holiness.
I am learning, in the most painful of ways, that life is not fair- but God works ALL things out for the good of those called according to His ways.
I am learning to wait upon the Lord and to be of good courage.
I am learning that I know nothing of God's love, grace and mercy.
I am learning, growing and becoming.
Between you and I, though I miss the yesterdays with my best friends and I miss who I was, what I have with God today, though alone, is wonderful. My mind and heart know that to be a lily among thorns, I have to lay down my life. That is, letting go of all that I miss, all that I yearn for, and (the hardest one of all) saying adios to all that is me. Looking into the mirror I hope to one day see not my own reflection, but the reflection of Christ.
This past Sunday at church my dear Pastor reminded me, that the Christian life is a radical life and a life of inconvenience. With that said I close with a word of hope, a word that is convicting me this very moment:
Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Therefore, let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you. +Philippians 3:12-15