Wednesday, February 17, 2010

confession: my sin, my struggle, my brokeness

He will yet fill your mouth with laughing,
And your lips with rejoicing.
Job 8:21
Hi good Friend. You have no idea how long I have been waiting for the right post to use this picture. I named it forgotten paradise. The aged walls, the grime, the pile of dirt, its brokenness has me captivated. In a peculiar way, I feel connected to this place. I can almost identify with its condition. I wonder how lovely this place must have been once, when it was alive, nevertheless all that remains is ruble. I saved this picture to post on a day when I felt like blogging about being redeemed, or forgotten. Yet I never considered that I would have tagged it along with a confession.

I write to you today and my soul feels like this place. I confess that I have had a divided heart. I’ve been torn by longings to give in to the desires of my flesh. Continually my mind has been out of control with urges to return to a destructive lifestyle. I don’t know how or when I let my guard down but the thought of relapsing have been occurring more often than none. Like this picture I feel like the aged walls, I am falling apart and losing this battle. Like the grime in this picture I feel that Anorexia is so deeply rooted in me that I can’t wash it away. I can’t keep sweeping this pile of dirt aside as if it will go away. The more I hide it in a corner the bigger the pile grows and harder it will be to pick up, longer it will take to clean up. I am broken, but God has promised me that a broken and contrite heart He will never despise (Psalm 51*).

I detest admitting that I am weak. Really, who actually enjoys admitting that they are weak- no one! I am so weak. I also have been blind. Today I encouraged someone, looking at them with eyes of pity and compassion. At the moment I gave them advice with a sincere heart, truly yearning that “my” advice would make a difference in their walk to freedom. It wasn’t till tonight at church when my Pastor** said two things that hit me like a ton of bricks. 1) Confrontation of sin has to be in God’s timing in order for it to be effective. 2) Our sin looks horrible on someone else. But it wasn’t till he read Matthew 7:3-4 that my hypocrisy was exposed. Verse 3 says, “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?” That scripture was like a bucket of cold water that woke me up from my sleep. As I thought about the advice that I gave, the words came back to me and ministered to me. How could I have missed heeding the word of advice that I had given? Not only was it a word from the Lord for that person, but for myself as well.

Anorexia is without a doubt a sin that can so easily ensnare you, entrap you and bind you. My life lately has been a little unstable, with many changes. I have been feeling lonely and my world was not in my control like it had been for a while, so naturally eating was the easiest control tactic. Stop eating Raquel, gain control again. I know this makes no sense and very few will really understand. This is a struggle that I have no choice but to live with. However I can make a choice as to where I draw strength from- my strength which has proven to be weak time and time again, or I can draw my strength from God who has always proven to be a strong and mighty tower who never fails, never sleeps nor slumbers.

Tomorrow I will finally begin a book/study called HEAL: healthy eating abundant living by Allie Marie Smith (links to the book and Allie’s blog). I ordered this book about a month ago and it has been sitting on my dresser... convicting me! LOL. I have avoided opening it because I know that it means going back to step 1 in my battle against Anorexia. I am definitely in a humble place, much like this picture. I thought I was established, in good condition, pure, holy, strong yet the reality of it all is that I have a lot of changes to make, a lot of growing to do and the Lord has yet to stretch me more. My pride is hurting especially since I was so sure that I had overcome this monster. I thank God that I am not alone in this battle both in the sense that I am not the only one who struggles with this but also because I have great accountability partners (which reminds me, that I need to confess to them too, lol). I covet your prayers and thank you for reading this looooong post.

Galatians 5:1
Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.

*Psalm 51
**Pedro Garcia


Unknown said...

May the LORD bless you.... keep fighting! It is beautiful to see others with struggles like my own...

Your Sister in Christ,

20Birds said...

Ahhhh Raquel... this post has been silently pondering many things (well it is 3Am and my house is sleeping, lol) the cancer/chemo has completely done a whack job on my sleeping so i try to use the awake in the middle of the night the best way i can.... generally i pray scripture over the people the Lord has placed on my heart... consider yourself placed there for prayer. I read much more than just this post. I read most of all of your posts. Raquel i will be writing more to you... you are a brave woman ... people will never see us as having found a Saviour if we never confess we struggle. otherwise they think they dont have it, or it doesnt work for them. On my real blog i have a few posts about cancer:keeping it real... this is wicked nasty stuff that God uphold s me through, that Jesus rides in the boat with me through. Yes you are a delicate lily here for some strong work... HE chose the right woman. now i will sign off and pray for all that you lifted up to the finder of secret corners... and healer of our hearts and souls..and how exciting to get to know you before heaven, where i hope to have a blast with you

Melinda said...

Raquel, praying for you my sister. Love that the common bond of Christ unites us across the continent! At ladies study on Tuesday we all began to pray and lift up the sins and the weights that so easily entangle us. As you put this weight down, as you let go of this sin He will set you free and you will be free indeed! God's timing is amazing, is it not??

Anonymous said...

Praying for you!! I LOVE YOU!! You are fearfully & wonderfully made!! =)


CupcakeSniper said...

Raquel, I know how you feel at this very moment, where your world is shakey and your struggles feel strong, but know this is all part of God's work. The fact that you have come to this humble place before us admitting your weakness and knowing you can't do it on your own, that shows strength, but not in yourself, in God. We all have struggles, too often we let our own strength and pride try to cover it up. God can't use us then. It is when we are completely broken, where we cannot stand on our own, when God's work is truly done and shown. He is molding you, He the potter and you the clay, and he is making you into His beautiful masterpiece. I hope this weekend will just give you a visual of what is going on.

Know that I am praying for you!! And God has given each other sisters in Christ to encourage one another. I thank you for being an encouragement. Know I am here. Any time you need to pray or need a distraction.

I know at that moment you feel so alone and defeated, but we have a God that is greater than anything in this world!! You are loved, you are beautiful, and you are fearfully and wonderfully made!!
Thank you for sharing your journey with us!

Desley said...

Raquel, I just want you to know that I am praying for you and because of His great love for you, you *will* come out more than a conqueror for the praise of His glory.

I just wanted to let you know that and to leave you a prayer written by Beth Moore in Breaking Free...

O God, Who frees the captive
Do not liberate this carnal slave for freedom's sake
For I will surely wing my flight to another thorny land.
Break, instead, each evil bond
And rub my swollen wrists,
Then take me prisoner to Your will,
Enslaved in Your safekeeping.
O, God, Who ushers light into the darkness,
Do not release me to the light
To only see myself.
Cast the light of my liberation upon Your face
And be Thou my vision.
Do not hand me over
To the quest of greater knowledge.
Make Your Word a lamp unto my feet
And a light unto my path,
And lead me to Your dwelling.

O, God, Who lifts the grieving head,
Blow away the ashes
But let Your gentle hand upon my brow
Be my only crown of beauty.
Comfort me so deeply,
My Healer,
That I seek no other comfort.

O, God, Who loves the human soul
Too much to let it go,
So thoroughly You impose Yourself
Into the heaps and depths of my life
That nothing remains undisturbed.
Plow this life, Lord,
Until everything You overturn
Becomes fertile soil,
Then plant me, O God
In the vast plain of Your love.
Grow me, strengthen me,
And do not lift Your pressing hand
Until it can boastfully unveil
A display of Your splendor.

God bless You

melissa said...

oh raquel....praying for you and hoping these days have been a sweet time of simply clinging to Him....Psalm 84 says we go from strength to strength...because you have the Lord, you have mighty power and strength in your weakness. And God, being the author and perfecter of our faith is taking you to strength.

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