Birthday Surprise! It's Nicole. part 2

Happy Wednesday! Welcome back to the Birthday Series to read part 2 of Nicki's journey.  Get your passport ready, pack your bag, and bon voyage ... you're off to Gulu, Uganda!

photo credit 

I've never told the bathtub story.

There was a tub. That’s all it was though—an empty beige bathtub with a handheld faucet. My first instinct was, “Damn, I’m going to make a disastrous mess every time I bathe.” I pictured a flood of murky water seeping down the hall into my room. (Which actually happened one morning, but it wasn't my fault, I swear!) Ministry in Uganda is a dirty business; dusty feet, orange-tainted clothes, wash my long hair two or three times just for it to feel clean and the water not be brown, kind of dirty.

Then, there was this one day. This overwhelming, slap-in-the-face, type of day. The kind of day where I prayed on the boda boda (motorcycle taxi) all the way home that I would have enough connection to call my mom and listen to her wisdom. With the time difference I had to wait for her to wake up, of course! It was one of those days where trusting in this great big God of mine, the Creator and Savior of the universe, was harder than getting on that same boda boda with a skirt (NOT easy, people).

It was on this day, in Gulu, Uganda. From one moment to the next, I found myself fully clothed and in fetal position, crying my eyes out for almost three hours… inside of this tub. For that brief time, my world sort of froze. I felt as though it hadn't completely shattered, but it was slightly tilted a little too far over for my comfort, and all I found myself doing was trying to find some sort of balance for my heart, to where it wouldn't topple over and break completely.

I had effectively lost my grip. Had I forgotten what to expect? Had I let my emotions run too deep? Maybe, just maybe I expected too much from someone who was unstable to begin with? How could anyone just leave them? Literally just abandon them in front of my face.

Obviously, God knew the answers to all of the million questions racing through my head.

Here’s the thing— I often wonder how my thoughts towards this world, our duties, this life— how it all would really be to me if I hadn't met Patience and Andrew. While in Uganda, I got a small glimpse into the life of being a mom. I experienced first-hand dealing with the struggles of my kids on a daily basis. I dealt with the personalities accompanied by the attitudes. I saw joy and innocence as well as the hurt and suffering that no child should ever have to experience. It was in the midst of caring for these two precious lives though, that God truly stretched me farther than I ever thought imaginable.

I dealt with their birth mother. She was younger than I with a total of six children. The twins were the youngest of them all at two years old. She was sick. They were starving, literally. And I was found in the mix because God purposefully had me there in Gulu Babies Home on this very same day. She left them there. In that moment, she chose addiction as she walked away from me with her skinny toddlers crying in my arms.

In this moment, curled up in that bathtub, for the first time ever, I actually doubted “purpose”. Has that ever happened to you? Maybe you've never found yourself sitting alone in a tub, but has God ever thrown a curve-ball to you so fast that—forget not even seeing it come—you were just left questioning “is this even real?”

Wisdom from my mom helped only for the moment. The solace provided by roommates, the same.

“God, did I really just experience this? Were these kids that I just grew to love just left behind by their own mother?”

It was in that bathtub that I realized I was trying to remind God of the things He promised to us—telling Him that He was doing it all wrong. Funny right? I didn't think so.

Firmly holding onto God’s promises in the midst of hardship can be a powerful experience. Did I fully trust God at His Word? Definitely not in that moment. I will humbly admit that I had a moment of relapse, but God graciously allowed me to stumble over myself, feel the hurt and vulnerability that He knew I needed, and give me the strength to pick myself back up and make a difference.

He knew.

He allowed the circumstances around me to take place. He didn't feel bad for me, but instead He entrusted me with the blessing of being a part of the beautiful rescue mission that was about to take place in the lives of my twins. Clearly, in my own life as well.

Please be encouraged today in knowing that God’s promises are true. We are loved by a God who is forgiveness, mercy, grace, faithfulness, strength and love. It’s a reminder I need EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And with that truth stored away in my heart, the only purpose for a bathtub from now on is solely to relax! 

Patience, Nicki, and Andrew, first time ever walking in 2 years.
Uganda 2013

Lyrical Friday - Here In This Place

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One of my favorite things to do it to sit back on a comfy couch with a great friend. I could be in their presence for hours. Unfortunately,moments like these to happen often because of schedules and responsibilities that collide with time.

However, there is one friend that always has time for us. We don't have to schedule or make it a "date" to sit back with Him. Fortunately for us He tells us to come boldly to His throne of grace. That is unlimited access to Him. Coming to the presence of God is better than an infomercial, for with Him there truly is that, "Wait! There's more." He promises that in that place we will receive mercy and find grace.

Today's lyrical post caused me to stop and meditate on this thought: Is my spare time wasted or invested? I'll be honest with you, I do waste a lot of time in the name of relaxing. Time that 1. is running out, 2. really doesn't belong to me, and 3.will never be returned. How magnificent it would be if I spend five more minutes with Jesus than I normally would. Grace and mercy I could definitely use, so I'm off to receive and find that which I lack: more of Jesus!

Let us come boldly (with confidence) to the throne of our gracious God. 

There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. Hebrews 4:16

Here in this Place, Elevation Worship


This is a place for the broken
This is the hope of the world
Jesus, friend of sinners
Jesus, Savior

Chorus:
Here in this place mercy is flowing
Here in this place is the glory of God
All things are new in the presence of Jesus
Father we stand amazed
Here in this placeYou are awesome in this place mighty God
You are awesome in this place Abba Father
You are worthy of our praise
To You our lives we raise
You are awesome in this place mighty God

Flames from James

For examples of patience in suffering, dear brothers and sisters, look at the PROPHETS who spoke in the name of the Lord. We give great honor to those who endure under suffering. For instance, you know about JOB, a man of great e n d u r a n c e. You can see how the Lord was kind to him at the end, for the Lord is full of tenderness and mercy. 
James 5:10-11

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Lyrical Friday - Tender Mercy

I don't know about you, but as for me, this week has felt eternal. With great joy I say: 

Happy Friday to YOU! 

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Today I was able to witness men and women, who once were enslaved by heavy chains, walk as free as ever. One man shared testimony of how he turned his life around and is now a new man. All of the people in that room, were now free and clean because someone tendered mercy unto them. The slate of their past stands now clean. Though this wasn't a church setting, nor was Christ ever mentioned, I couldn't help but think about Him. -

Yet I still dare to hope

    when I remember this: 

The faithful love of the Lord never ends! 

His mercies never cease. 

Great is his faithfulness; 

His mercies begin afresh each morning. 

I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; 

therefore, I will hope in him!

Lamentations 3:21-24

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We are guilty of falling short, not one is righteous, and all have sinned. As it is, we never do stop sinning but we can dare to hope. Upon the moment of repentance and surrender to God, His love and mercy are tendered to us. His love covering a multitude of sin. His mercy, greater than our sin(s), is made new to us each day! What a wonderful God! 

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Tender Mercy, Enter The Worship Circle 

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Praise The Lord, Oh My Soul
and All My Deepest Parts
give Praise To The One
who Pulled You Out Of Darkness
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tender Mercy, You Forgive Me
slow To Anger, Quick To Love
-as High As The Mountains Try
your Love Falls All Around Me
as Wide As The East To West
my Sins Are Taken From Me

Lyrical Friday - Beneath the Waters

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For those who follow godly paths will rest in peace when they die. Isaiah 57:2
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“I create the fruit of the lips: Peace, peace to him who is far off and to him who is near,” says the Lord, “And I will heal him.” Isaiah 57:19-

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever. Psalm 23:6 
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I cried out to you, O Lord. I begged the Lord for mercy, saying, “What will you gain if I die, if I sink into the grave? 

Can my dust praise you? 

Can it tell of your faithfulness?  

Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me. Help me, O Lord.” You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever! Psalm 30:8-12

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My paternal grandmother passed away yesterday and I am confident in the Lord that she is in His presence. It got me thinking about the people I know that have passed away and into eternal glory or eternal damnation. One person made me uneasy. She was difficult to live with, hard to love, evil many times, blasphemous, a liar, a thief and she did much harm. Her heart harbored a lot of anger, bitterness, hate, filth and malice. Out of the abundance of her heart, her mouth indeed spoke and her actions followed. She did accept Jesus into her heart as her Lord and Savior, and for a moment in her life we witnessed repentance. Though she did change a bit, she remained bitter, perverse and proud. 
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All this to say, that I sat on my bed and the goodness of the Lord of angered me. Her sins were so great yet because God is a just God who keeps His word, she is in Heaven now. Her sins erased. She has been raised and now in Christ she lives. How could He? (I'm being completely transparent here). In a way, it made me mad that she would, for all of eternity, enjoy the goodness of the Lord and that His mercy would now follow her all the days of her new life. She had committed so much evil and did not deserve eternity with Him. And then God spoke to me, "Her sins weigh as much as yours." 
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Forgive me Lord. 
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Oh wretched woman that I am.
As Christ was raised to life, she has been risen in Him.
And just like her, I was dead in my sin but I will rise.
She taught me the mercy of God.
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Beneath The Waters, Hillsong 

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This is my revelation
Christ Jesus crucified 
Salvation through redemption 
At the cross on which He died 
Now here my absolution 
Forgiveness for my sin
And I sink beneath the waters
That Christ was buried in 
2
I will rise
I will rise
As Christ 
Was raised to life
Now in Him 
Now in Him 
I live
2
I stand a new creation 
Baptized in blood and fire
No fear of condemnation 
By faith I'm justified 
q2
I rise as You were risen 
Declare Your rule and reign 
My life confess Your lordship
And glorify Your name 
Your word it stands eternal 
Your kingdom knows no end 
Your praise goes on forever
And on and on again 
q
No power can stand against You 
No curse assault Your throne
No one can steal Your glory 
For it is Yours alone 
I stand to sing Your praises 
I stand to testify 
For I was dead in my sin 

Lyrical Friday - I Will Lift My Eyes

Happy Friday 
Back in 2007 I boarded a plane to a far off land. I spent nearly three weeks in Israel. Indeed it was a trip that changed my life completely. All my senses were awakened in that visit. My eyes introduced to new sights: from holy sights and refugee camps, to museums and living rooms, luscious green mountains to desert ground. I saw a people who are so far off from being anything like me yet needing the one thing I constantly cry out for: more of Jesus. My ears awakened to new sounds, languages, voices, and even to the silent cries of a perishing people. My taste buds nearly melted with all the delicious food I ate, breakfast, lunch and dinner were all a delight to experience and I did to my fullest capacity. Who can complain when you wake up to fresh Hummus, pita bread and the world's smallest apples, fresh Falafel for lunch and Kanafeh after dinner? Yet I couldn't shake off the awareness that there remains a people who have not tasted the goodness of the Lord to their fullest capacity, even to overflow. Israel carries the fragrance of Christ, to one is the scent of death and to another it is the scent of life. The scent of Israel is fresh, it's lively, it is still and mysterious. I  touched the ground my Savior walked upon, sat at the Mount of Beatitudes, cried at the Church of Annunciation and floated far, far away at the Dead Sea. There are two cactus' that I remember well, I sat on one and fell on another. I touched Israel, and Israel touched my heart in a way that all these words, no words could ever describe. All these wonderful memories mean nothing in light of the promise God gave me before leaving to Israel:
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I look up to the mountains—

does my help come from there?

My help comes from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth. 

He will not let you stumble;

the one who watches over you will not slumber.

Indeed, he who watches over Israel

never slumbers or sleeps. 

The Lord himself watches over you!

The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.

The sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon at night. 

The Lord keeps you from all harm

and watches over your life.

The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,

both now and forever.

Psalm 121

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You see, I had prayed for the Lord to give me a scripture that I could take on this trip and take refuge in through out my days in Israel. It sure was a refuge and a great comfort to know that my God is my helper 24/7. I knew through these verses that I could call out to Him any day, any time, any where. He would respond any day, any time, any where because He is 1- watching over me, 2- never sleeps and 3- this was guaranteed to me for both now and forever. This promise never expires. I thoroughly enjoyed my trip to Israel to the max. I did not fear, worry, become anxious or weary. I could have but I did not doubt.
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I wish I could say the same to my experiences here, at home. I have feared terribly, become worried over and over, anxiety has gotten the best of me and boy, have I grown weary. I have exhausted all my resources and knowledge and at the end of it, I fall back to the question, "Where does my help come from?" Forgive me God for all the times that I have not redeemed this promise in your Word. It is my prayer that you would experience this life, your life to the max, to capacity, to overflow and in abundance as you believe and redeem (as in a coupon, lol) the promises of Psalm 121 which never expire. I Will Lift My Eyes by Bebo Norman is just the song to help us get back on our knees and lifting our eyes to our Helper. God bless YOU!
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I Will Lift My Eyes, Bebo Norman 


God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt
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Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
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I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
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God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me
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'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now

The Heartbroken Lily- part 4

Praise the LORD!

For it is good to sing praises to our God;

For it is pleasant, and praise is beautiful. 

The LORD builds up Jerusalem;

He gathers together the outcasts of Israel.

He heals the brokenhearted

And binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:1-3

I can not thank you enough. I think today's post will be the hardest one yet. It will be like digging into a grave that I buried my heart breaking memories. None the less, it is through those heartaches that I have come to know God as my healer, comforter, and God of wonders. I have come to know God the Father in a very intimate way through these hard times. I would be limiting God's amazing glory by sharing only the great joys in my life. I have a need to expose my hurts and pain because it is in those dark moments that God’s amazing glory did shine the brightest. The stories I will share will not coincide necessarily with the time frame of parts one - three of my testimony but is more of a beautifully broken medley of God's redeeming love.

I shared with you that though I had claimed to be a Christian I had not been living the life of a Christ follower. Sure, I shared Christ with people, but my actions washed out my words. There is power in the Holy Spirit, and at times, I felt a tug at my heart and I knew that it was the Spirit of God telling to share Christ with someone. At times I would, but at other moments the fear or rejection, of being mocked and of appearing too religious held me back from speaking. Afterwards, I would go through the world's worst guilt trip for not doing so. One Friday, I felt a heavy burden to speak to a friend of mine about Jesus, and about the hope found in Him. God’s message was very clear. It was as if God wanted me to speak only about hope. But, I was uneasy with sharing God's hope to her. It turned out that we would spend the entire day together. For a second time, the Lord told me to talk to her. I neglected to do so one more time. Again and again, throughout the day the Lord kept prompting me to speak to her. I spent a good 6 hours with her engaged in conversation and what not but I did not speak to her. Afterwards, I felt horrible because I knew what I had to do and didn’t do it. “Next time Lord,” is what I said to Him. She committed suicide that night.

I have made many terrible decisions, but to me, none can be worse than this one. Through many words of comfort, I was reminded that she made this decision on her own to take her life. But the doubt that if I had said something to her she could have possibly still be alive today. I have never been able to surrender this guilt fully. A part of me finds comfort in holding myself accountable for her death. I still drive by where she committed suicide and just cry till I can’t cry anymore. After her death, life for me changed forever. I promised the Lord to be obedient to His prompting and to speak boldly. However, this was not going to change the fact that she wasn’t here. I couldn’t sleep for a very long time. I would have dreams of her asking me why I never shared Jesus with her. What helped was God’s divine grace. He bandaged my wound with the help of my family and friends. A friend from church bought me a pillow to cry on, a journal to vent and a book* that helped me get back on track and be a courageous witness to the lost. The day of her funeral I had written a poem dedicated to her. I gave it to her grieving parents.

There is one more death that I have bottled up inside and probably the most difficult one to talk about. And if you are somewhat close to me, you know that if it wasn’t for God I wouldn’t be writing about this. This Sunday, December the 6th will be five years since my Grandfather went to be with the Lord. As if I didn’t cry enough about Susie’s suicide, writing about Abuelito is shredding me to pieces. His death is the deepest wound I have. Far deeper than the suicide, far deeper than walking away from my first love, far deeper than the most horrific experiences I had. Death is so final.

Abuelito to me was my earthly Prince. He would always remind me of how I was his favorite grandchild. He always commended me on being strong willed, and of a rough character. He would always smile at me when I would stand up for myself. He spoiled me with love. He let me get away with anything. He would let me light up his cigarettes as a child. And often times he would leave me a beer under the dinning table, knowing full well that Mami would get upset at Him. I loved rubbing his bald head and his belly. I loved his hands and his feet. He was the funniest man I knew and will ever know. But he was also, one of the godliest too. He knew the Bible, every story, every word. He taught me to love cheese, Häagen-Dazs ice cream and the New York Yankees. He was a hard working man. His death was very sudden. And even though I have all these wonferful memories to keep his memory alive in me, I still am mourning his death, I think I always will.

The night before He went to be with the Lord, my Grandmother had called me to ask if I could take Abuelito to his doctor’s appointment the next morning. She told me the time and I agreed to pick Him up since it was going to be my day off. The morning came and I was running late to go pick him up. That’s when I got the phone call from my Grandmother. She was panicking and I couldn’t understand what she was saying. All I could make out was, “Pedrito! Ay Pedrito! Corre!” in English it would be, “Pedrito! Oh my goodness, Pedrito! Hurry!” I ran to my Mother’s room, she was getting dressed. I yelled that something was wrong with Abuelito and we rushed over to their house. On the way we called an Ambulance to meet us there. When we arrived we found that a neighbor had already called 911. I watched the limb body of my Grandfather as He lay on the floor. The Paramedics were resuscitating him. My Grandmother was freaking out, Mami was hysterical and my baby cousin could not stop crying. I was motionless. I felt as if my life was being taken from me. All I could think was, “Raquel, why didn’t you pick Him up on time??? You could have had him at the clinic the time the heart attack happened.” Within minutes he released all his body fluids and I knew very well what that meant. But I wasn’t going to lose hope; the paramedics rushed Him to the Hospital.

At 11 am, that Monday morning they doctors signed him off as dead. At the least I know he didn’t suffer. I have never been able to forgive myself for this. Nor have been able to forgive myself for the pain I have caused my entire family with this great loss. I could have been there earlier, with time to spare but I wasn’t. It took me a very long time to return to my Grandmother’s house. Still today I go back there and I remember vividly Abuelito on the floor, lifeless. I am so overcome with guilt that I can’t even stand being around my own Grandmother, because I feel that I have failed her and caused her so much grief. Maybe I sink into guilt because it will offer me a temporary explanation for Abuelito’s death, when I can’t understand why He had to die. And even though, I may never be able to overcome Abuelito’s death, knowing that He is in Heaven enjoying the presence of the Lord gives me great joy. Without a doubt, I know He is with the Lord. And yes, this year he had God help the New York Yankees win the World Series, lol.

God has sustained me through both of these terrible experiences, along with other heartaches that maybe someday I will share with you. Though I have had a hard time forgiving myself, I bask in the forgiveness of God and find peace and security there. The Lord gave me two great verses that constantly console me, when guilt seems to creep in:

“Come now, and let us reason together,” Says the LORD, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, and they shall be as wool. Isaiah 1:18

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

December the 10th 2004, I have recorded in my journal verses that the Lord gave me to comfort me through the book of Isaiah** after Abuelito's death.

These heart aches, scars and memories that I have endured are what unite me to everyone else. We all hurt, we all cried and we all lose something or someone we love at one point or another. But we have a great God that can work out everything for our good. In the words of Ken Graves, “pain is our teacher.” I have known the pain of losing someone to eternal damnation, a pain that our Father must suffer too often. I have known the pain of momentary loss, like God submitted himself to when Jesus paid our debt in the pits of Hell. I have known rejection, humiliation, mockery like my Jesus has known when I share Christ and He is rejected. But I have also known the joy of seeing a friend come to Christ. I have known the joy of knowing that I will see Abuelito face to face. I have known the joy of walking with the Lord and I am not letting go.

I invite you to return to my blog tomorrow Friday, for the conclusion of this Lily story.

*Click here for the book

** Click here for verses in Isaiah that comforted me